In the age of working women who don’t have time for kids (and who would have to touch a man to have one anyway), feminists everywhere stand confused about whether they are allowed to wax their pubic hair, whether or not they can wear pink, and if it’s okay to kiss men in nightclubs. Never fear though, for if you are one of these feminists, then this is the guide for you.
1. One must have a bush curated over several years of non-shaving or waxing. If one has a bare nether region, she deserves patriarchal oppression and will be resigned to a life of heteronormative marriage.
2. If a woman cooks dinner for a male significant other, she will be rejected by the tribe. One must never conform to the idea that she must ‘keep’ a man, whether she wants to or not.
3. If you want to wear pink, you must directly state to everyone you encounter that you are doing it ironically. You would never conform to such an outdated gender-centric colour norm otherwise, silly.
4. Men? No, no, no, dear. Once you have burned your bra (see 5), you must renounce heterosexuality, freeze your eggs and pledge allegiance to the great lesbian movement.
5. Bra? Don’t you mean ex-corset-Victorian-breast-restriction-contraption? Burn it. Publicly. Then get your nipples pierced, so everyone is aware that you have, in fact, renounced said bra.
6. You must either own no physical objects or have a house so messy one cannot even think in it. We do not clean – it remains a shackle to our hideous past of cooking, cleaning and staying in the kitchen with our gold AmEx card.
7. If you decide that you want to have children with your lesbian life partner, one must choose their sperm through the online cataloguing system carefully. Make sure that the child will tick all of the correct boxes, and endeavour to only take the day of birth off as maternity leave, as we are more than baby-making machines and are not weak or truly emotionally dependent on needing children.
8. Wear little to no clothing at all times. If we all dress provocatively, they can never blame rape or sexual assault on what one is wearing.
9. One must spend their evenings only consuming media created by women – or more specifically, angry women. You must renounce all films by or containing men, and reading books by male authors is no longer acceptable, as they provide a reminder of the male monopoly.
10. Never, ever, accept your place. You should always be challenging newly accepted norms and never settle.
There it is. That’s how we do it, ladies. That’s feminism.
Okay, joke’s over.
To everyone who thinks that this is how feminism should work, let‘s just remember that feminism is about EQUALITY, and some men are better at making feminism an inclusive, diverse place than women are. Shave if you want. Wear pink. Be a housewife. Wear a bloody corset if you wish. There is no feminist prescription. Equality can take whatever form you want it to, as long as everyone is being included in the conversation. You don’t have to be a woman to be a true feminist.