Hello peasants, it is I, the supreme leader of our beloved nation, here to reveal my plan for the cluster f*** that is Brexit. It’s been a long three years since the referendum in 2016 – three years that I could have spent watching the country burn (although sadly I’ve only gotten to see a light fizzle so far). But finally, it’s happening, and all by using this very simple step by step plan to deal with the bastard Europeans and set the UK down the right path.
Respect Parliamentary Authority, but Not Too Much
We’re fighting to give Parliament back control from the bureaucrats in Brussels, and we’re going to be doing that by taking AWAY control from Parliament as we prorogue the mother, stopping it from interfering in the Brexit process. Now, that’s some 4-D chess s***.
Sort Out the Backstop
Everybody knows that replacing the backstop with a system that will work for all parties involved is the way to put this whole thing to bed. Therefore, I am proposing we sort out this very complex issue with some very easy solutions, such as technology, and other stuff, like things. After all, technology and things are wonderful nowadays, as younger people will tell you, so I’m sure that it’ll be fine.
Ramp Up No-Deal Preparations
Now I would like to make it very clear that I want Britain to leave with a deal. That’s why I’ve been as difficult as possible in talks, told Parliament to f*** off for a bit, and spent £100 million on public awareness campaigns, which you can learn about here. But we must prepare for the inevita- I mean every possible outcome, so I will be continuing to ramp up preparations for a hard Brexit.
Put on a Happy Face
What we really need is some optimism and charisma to reach a deal with the EU, so I’ll be flying to Berlin in the coming weeks to woo Angela Merkel personally. We may not have a majority to do a damn thing in Parliament, but the ladies tell me I do have a winning smile.
31st of October Now to be Known as National BJ Day
To celebrate me, your wonderful leader, and his Brexit exploits, we will celebrate leaving the EU, do or die, on National BJ Day, named after myself. In your local Spoons, it will become tradition to beat an effigy of Macron as portraits of me as Emperor watch on with glee. The traditional meal will revolve around fish from our freshly taken back waters – only we deserve to overfish British seas after all. Stella anyone?
…Wait, what do you mean Stella’s Belgian?