PM Advised to Blow on Cartridge if Turning Parliament Off and On Again Doesn’t Work


After a hectic week in Parliament, which saw Boris Johnson suffer a round of political defeats (including the defeat of his own calls for a General Election), a political expert and professional dad has suggested that he blow on the cartridge of Parliament to ‘get rid of the dust, or whatever’.

The suggestion comes after Mr Johnson turned Parliament off and on again through prorogation – a move that was criticised by many as ‘dickish’.

Johnson’s aides and Tory MPs are well aware that this move, which was the number one result on Google after they typed ‘how to fix Parliament’ into the search bar, may not actually work, as a no-deal Brexit has officially been blocked by law. This brings into question what the actual f*** the Conservatives are going to do if they have to return to Parliament on the 14th of October without a deal from the EU, other than requesting an extension to negotiations.

Blowing on the cartridge, however, is a hopeful move, right next to lightly banging on the top of it twice, pausing for precisely three seconds, then banging on it again.

‘Everyone’s worried’, Richard McMahon, political advisor to the PM, said

And it’s all so frustrating. What if we can’t bring Brexit to the nation do or die by the end of October? It’s starting to get to everyone, and we’re starting to get genuinely angry, it’s tiresome

Luckily for McMahon and Conservative MPs, shouting and swearing at Parliament is number 7 on the list of back-up plans to get the thing working, right after plan 6: ‘tutting, sighing and muttering ‘”bloody thing” at the bloody thing’.

But Tory MPs are certain they can do it themselves and they don’t need your help with it at all, thank you very much. As Boris argued, ‘why don’t you just leave me alone and let me do it  – I pay the bills in this house.’

With such a long list of back-up plans, it is clear that the mood among Tory MPs is far from optimistic, with them hoping that they never have to attempt the final plan: pulling the whole thing out so they can take out the plug tucked away right at the back and put it back in, which many allegedly say they can’t really be arsed to do.


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