Boris Johnson: The Clown
Loves themselves a bit too much and thinks they’re a lot smarter than they really are. Similarly, they’re certain that they wear the trousers in a relationship – something that we all laugh about.
Formerly the class clown, they’ve let their sense of humour get to their head and are no longer capable of knowing when to end a joke. They also love to quote historical figures but make up 90% of the quotes at the same time.
Always gets everyone a round of Jägerbombs on a night out when no one really wants that s*** but are too awkward to say no.
The biggest drama queen.
Theresa May: The One in Shambles
Just can’t seem to do anything right no matter how hard they try, which all their friends recognise is kind of tragic, but also kind of funny at the same time.
They also somehow manage to get roped into doing stuff they don’t actually want to do, like sign up for a certain uni society or do that shot of tequila they should definitely not have just drank.
A massive liability on a night out, they are also a terrible dancer and love to get wine drunk.
Will probably end up dropping out of university before they finish their degree.
Nigel Farage: The Bulls***er
The bullshitter of the group – no one should believe a word that comes out of their mouth. Seemingly always involved in a scandal, this person also loves to play the victim when they lose an argument.
Loves to sink a pint or six down the local and is a bit of celebrity in the Giddy Bridge. When looking for a club, they don’t give a toss if you think Jesters is gross, you’re going there, no compromise.
Is slightly obsessed with World War 2 documentaries and reads the Daily Mail.
Hates milkshakes for some weird reason.
Jeremy Corbyn: The Indecisive One
Indecisive as f***, can’t make up their mind on where they want to go on a night out, or what they want to drink when you’re getting a round in for that matter. Does none of the work on the group project but is always confused as to why they got a bad grade.
Failed their A-Levels and has some very questionable friends. Is always getting filmed or pictured doing something very stupid but doesn’t seem to learn. Always manages to get mentioned on Crushampton.
Favourite hobbies include hunting for a Tory to drunkenly debate with when they’re on a night out and hunting for a Lib Dem to berate when they’re on a night out. No prisoners.
A favourite personal item of theirs is definitely a copy of the Welcome to the Party poster with everyone’s favourite commies busting a groove to DJ Zedong.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: The Posh T***
Posh as f***, this person studied at a private school and, whilst they don’t necessarily brag about it, it’s so painfully obvious. Seemingly a walking dictionary, they love to use long, big words to come off as smart, even though they probably don’t even know what they mean half the time.
A bit too laid back, they’re oblivious to everything going on around them. Thinks they’re just like you and I, but is definitely wrong about that. Is forever showing you up in your disgusting hungover state as they arrive to lectures in a chic suit or jumper.
Very rich, kinda weird, not averse to a bit of opium.