Don’t Worry: Our NHS is in Safe Hands with BoJo and the Tories


Disclaimer: This article is satirical in nature

With a General Election in December 2019, campaigns are underway for all parties as the dark spectre of Brexit (trick-or-treat leftovers from Halloween) looms over Westminster. However, it’s actually the NHS that voters find more important in this unprecedented political drama, with 59% of respondents to a Guardian poll citing it as the most pressing issue heading into this election, over Brexit at 52%. The NHS has certainly seen better days (to put it mildly), with ANOTHER winter crisis on the horizon. BoJo has consistently vowed to protect the NHS, saying his government is already building 40 new hospitals. Don’t believe the haters; the NHS is CERTAINLY not ‘up for sale’, as Jezza and his cronies keep howling. Everyone knows that our lord and saviour Boris Johnson is nothing but a man of his word. In fact, here’s the concrete evidence that our man BoJo has been a lifelong honest bloke:

Candour Count #1 

So, where do we start? Ah, yes let’s take a look at Boris’ first grad job after Oxford: journalism – a profession renowned for its honesty and impartiality, reporting the hard facts to their readers, no more and no less. OK, yes, he was fired from The Times for inventing a quote that supposedly came from his godfather for an article but, come on, who hasn’t invented some data that will make the graphs on their diss look better at any point during their degree? Moving on.

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Candour Count #2 

After that scandal, BoJo moved on to become editor of The Spectator; he took the position, promising his boss that he would NEVER (ever) seek election as an MP. *Adjusts glasses*. Wait, it says here he was elected as MP for Henley, Oxfordshire, 2 years later. Oh well, he kept the editorial, didn’t he? And who wouldn’t turn down the chance to become a politician, some of the most honest, hard-working people to ever walk on this Earth? The +8.5k majority he received in the election MUST mean that the people of Henley trusted him too, right? (Aside from the fact that Boris had never had any association with Henley before, and the fact that it was already a VERY safe Conservative seat, but we don’t talk about that).

Candour Count #3 

Boris rose quickly in the Conservative ranks after his election – by 2003 he was party Vice-Chairman and Shadow Arts Minister. However, in 2004 he had to make a forced career transition after it came to light that tabloid reports of his affair with a Spectator columnist, which he had denied, were in fact true. What an ‘inverted pyramid of piffle’! Michael Howard was probably just a teensy bit intimidated.

Candour Count #4 

So, Boris actually did well for himself after that workforce imbalance correction. He even managed to make it all the way to Mayor of London, with one of his manifesto promises being to eradicate rough sleeping by 2012 (ahem).  The stats show that rough sleeping actually exceeded expected parameters just a bit over his tenure, so we’ll actually be skipping this part.

Candour Count #5 

So, let’s tackle the elephant in the room: That Red Bus from the summer of 2016, the one about how we ‘send £350m a week to the EU’, followed by ‘let’s fund our NHS instead’. So what if the armchair pundits say it was ‘misleading’ and that a bunch of concerned citizens have launched a prosecution campaign? That was THREE YEARS AGO. Let’s look at the great work he’s doing now as PM for the NHS. See, he’s going to build 40 new hospitals and give the NHS a £2.7 billion upgrade! *checks notes*. OK, so the funding is actually only going towards a new lick of paint for 6 hospitals, but who reads the small print these days?

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Candour Count #6 

Since becoming PM, Boris has worked tirelessly to secure a new Brexit deal with the EU. Well, his work has now paid off and he’s since presented it to Parliament to vote on (and called for a general election, twice). There’s just one group of people who aren’t so keen – his parliamentary allies the DUP, whose votes were essential for his majority in the House of Commons. Apparently he’s ‘screwed them over’ by putting a border down the Irish Sea, should MPs back his deal. But when you’re PM, First Lord of the Treasury, Minister for the Civil Service AND Minister for the Union (a fancy new title Boris invented for himself when he entered Downing Street), then SURELY you must have the best interests of the Union at heart, right? (P.S. he’s also part of the Conservative and UNIONIST Party, so that settles it).

Candour Count #7

(OK, let’s not go there)

So, there you have it (apart from that last bit), unequivocal proof that Boris Johnson is a man of honour and complete integrity. NHS leaders have recently come out begging the would-be PMs in this general election to not ‘politicise’ the healthcare system. Doom & Gloomers may claim that Boris’ bestie, President Trump, may want the NHS ‘on the table‘ in any future trade negotiation with the US, but we have nothing to fear; BoJo has said that the NHS is ‘not for sale’. So that’s official: the NHS is completely safe because Boris said so.


Deputy Sci/Tech Editor | Sub-editor 2019/20 | 3rd year Neuroscience student, i.e. drugs, brains and 100% pain

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