With the footballing world still reeling from Sir Alex Ferguson’s shocking revelation that he is set to retire at the end of the season (putting paid to whispers that he is in fact a managerial cyborg, with a heart powered by weapons-grade plutonium), the question on many peoples’ lips is just how will the Old Trafford stalwart spend his time now that he has officially stepped down from his duty?
We here at the Wessex Scene have an exclusive story that may just provide the answer. Whilst many are commenting that Sir Alex’s time will be spent as an upstairs member of the United hierarchy (which ‘upstairs’ is uncertain; will he be first floor? Second floor? Third floor?!), rumours abound that Ferguson is actually planning to give back to the community that he has plundered so much silver from over the years. Football.
And the specific category of people Ferguson will be aiming to help with this initiative are in fact the men whom he has done so much to undermine during his 26-and-a-bit years in the Old Trafford dugout. The Men in Black, the pantomime villains at the heart of the showpiece that is football: the referees.
It is widely believed that Ferguson plans to establish the charity RSPCF (Referees Slammed, Pressurised, and Criticised by Ferguson) in the coming weeks, with many current and former officials lining up to be treated and looked-after by the campaign.
Speaking exclusively to Spanish Wessex Scene reporter Ima Noréal, Ferguson stated, “Aye, af’er tweenty an’ sommat years a’ the top, ah just thought to ma’sel’ that ah may ha’ been too hard on tha wee bastards in tha black, ya knoo? Ah mean, some a tha wee buggers deserved it, like David Elleray. Christ, when he sent Roy Keane off f’r tha tackle on Alfie Haaland, a could’nae believe me eyes. An’ after young Martin Atkinson gort me bollocked by the FA, ah felt like tearing a few legs off, belie’ me. But, ah guess they’re only try’na do they’ job. They did’nae deserve all that shite a gay them. An’ f’r tha’ reason, ah will be helpin’ the refereeing cause from now on.”
Treatments that are said to be offered to referees within the headquarters of the charity are as follows:
Injury-time counting lessons (hosted by Ferguson himself).
Advanced swearing sessions, to cope with mouthy players and coaches.
How to deal with constant calls that you are a fan of a team you referee (hosted by Howard Webb).
He may be gone from the helm of Old Trafford, but don’t expect Sir Alex Ferguson to disappear into the horizon just yet. To celebrate the man’s fantastic career, here is a video of Fergie getting angry at his players’ mistakes, and not the poor referees’.