Rare Cases of Stupid Popping Up Across Globe Spark Pandemic Concerns


Scientists warn that new strains of Stupid are more contagious than first thought, with ‘a pandemic likely,’ doctors report.

The first cases were reported in March when the Government stated that people should not panic buy, and the complete opposite occurred. These actions are in no shape a rational response to a crisis unless it is one that will mean that supplies will be limited. COVID-19 has never proved to put local supermarkets at risk of closing, only extra precautions were necessary. Plus, it was announced on the news everyday that there was no need to panic buy.

Yet, waves of people infected with Stupid rushed to the supermarkets.

First, the toilet paper aisle. As we all know, this is more important than food in terms of survival. Even the Andrex was taken, leaving the shelves bare of any options. The young people would take the toilet paper in fear that their elders would snatch it. The older people stocking up in fear of the youths. It was mutually assured destruction, leaving those who couldn’t get to the supermarkets using cheap ‘poop emoji’ toilet paper or kitchen roll. These cases of Stupid proved fierce, as the infections meant that not only was toilet paper taken, but also pasta, baking supplies, hand sanitiser, and puzzles. The cases of Stupid meant that rational thinking was clouded by panic and stupidity.

The Stupid has even spread to government figures.

Dominic Cummings was involved in setting up lockdown rules, yet didn’t understand them himself. This level of stupidity can only be caused by infection. Cummings drove to Durham in search of childcare, despite this being strictly prohibited under his own lockdown rules. When questioned, he was flustered, but still stood strong saying that his move was not breaking lockdown measures, despite it being clear that he did. Cummings even drove when he couldn’t really see, which is a Specsavers advert in the making. To be both stupid enough to ignore his own words and to drive with bad eyesight shows just how awful a pandemic of Stupidity could become.

Scientists have hypothesised that our own Prime Minster, Boris Johnson, is also suffering from Stupid. Symptoms have been shown in his blind support of Cummings, followed by his inability to allow kids in poverty money to fund meals; a move that was reversed by Marcus Rashford. In addition to this, Johnson thought that to prevent a pandemic, washing your hands alone would solve the problem. ‘Happy birthday two times and say goodbye to Nan’ was his motto. A pandemic of Stupidity is dangerously prominent in our government and this is something that is spreading anxiety.

No cure has been found yet. Johnson has attempted to cure it with excessive clapping but little has changed. People now are refusing to wear a mask in support of their human rights, despite the clear scientific evidence that it will prevent the spread of COVID-19 and therefore save lives. People are continuing to argue with shop workers about how masks are an infringement on freedom whilst infections grow and the risk of an increasing lockdown become higher.

The Stupidity was at first rare, but now we are seeing it grow. Scientists are afraid that now that Stupidity has entered society it will be difficult to cure, as those with the infection often think of themselves as intelligent and are unlikely to change their thought processes. Until a cure is found, lives may be lost, with another full scale pandemic and further strain on the NHS looming.


Wessex Scene News and Investigations Editor and English (BA) student.

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