Tories unsure whether to blame current or previous Labour government for current mess


A wave of confusion has swept the remainder Conservative MPs across the country as they struggle to determine if the current or previous Labour government is to blame for the state of the country.

Speaking in confidence, one such MP tells us: ‘my life used to be so easy, whenever anything went wrong I just had to blame the previous Labour government, now it’s not so simple’.

Elaborating on this confusion, he continued: ‘a few years back I got a ticket for running a red light, clearly this was the previous Labour government’s doing, why else would the light be red?… My wife filed for divorce today after it came out I’d gotten several of my aides pregnant, but I just don’t know who to blame’.

It would appear that this isn’t just limited to the one Tory MP, but is endemic across the party. Eyewitness accounts claim that one MP’s head did a full 360-degree rotation, making garbled noises mid-sentence, as they tried to answer a question about food bank usage in their constituency.

Some have taken the novel approach of blaming the first Labour government: ‘100 years ago, MacDonald became Prime Minister. Yesterday I had to yell at the staff in McDonald’s because my son’s Happy Meal toy had too much pink for my liking. Coincidence? I think not!

In a statement released by the newly unseated Michael Fabricant, he asserts that it was definitely the previous Labour government’s fault that he lost his seat. Fabricant did however blame the current Labour government for the Great Fire of London:

I’m telling you, that red blaze, it was a publicity stunt!

Quite how Labour started a fire in 1666, over two centuries before the formation of the party, we’re not sure. Then again, a man named Fabricant who looks and often behaves like how a I imagine a counterfeit human being would also exists, I guess anything is possible.

The former Equalities Minister, Kemi Badenoch, having narrowly held onto her seat added her voice to the confusion: ‘Labour ARE the previous government, everything is now the fault of our current previous government, the woke have unleashed this madness upon us’. That’s Badenoch there once again failing to understand transitions.

In other news, former Environment Secretary Steve Barclay (who also retains his seat) has been quick to hold Prime Minister Sir Kier Starter personally accountable for every floater in every body of water in and around the UK, including those which linger in their respective toilet bowls. Starmer himself has refuted this, claiming that he is temporarily incapable of defecation after an incident involving sitting on a security fence; many of Starmer’s supporters hope that this incident, coupled with the newly gained responsibility of becoming Prime Minister, will make him think twice next time he perceives a fence to be a comfortable seat.


Editor-in-Chief for 2023/24. Interests include: satire, social sciences, heavy music, and leveraging anything within reach to try and make people laugh.

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