A Sarcastic Guide on How to Nail a First


I remember in one of my first lectures, I sat down with pen, paper, and laptop (the laptop made the pen and paper a little redundant but it was all for that student aesthetic and snazzy Instagram post), and watched with awe as my lecturer strutted into the room, and commanded it to silence. In a relaxed manner, he made his introductions as he removed a precariously placed ring from his fourth finger on his left hand onto the desk in front of him. In that moment, the perfect First became clear – and that’s what I’m about to share.

Step One: Realise your sexual charm

You’re a human being with the body of a God/Goddess (manifesting it really helps with self-confidence), and now it’s time to flaunt that body with some pretentious elegance and a sprinkling of charm, to get some one-to-one help with the lecturer… Ooops, is that a pencil I just saw you drop…

Step Two: Realise how illegal and unethical Step One probably is

Step One works a treat in movies, but in reality, morality, laws, and ethics make it a sure-fire way to get yourself kicked out of University. While that removes the worry and stress of trying to achieve a First, it’s counterintuitive to this guide.

Step Three: Contemplate Legality

But now we’ve mentioned Step One, and you’ve noticed a missing ring on a finger, it does sound like a desirable plan. Are we really above this? Is time spent at University really the right time to follow the law?

(If your answer was anything other than “yes”, then I refer you to the word SARCASTIC in the guide’s title). 

Step Four: Decide to Work Hard and Study 

So, gaining sexual favours from your lecturer probably isn’t the right way to go about things. The next best option is to study hard. Get to the library, play some relaxing music, contemplate if you really want to commit to a minimum of three years of this lifestyle, and get that brain moving!

Step Five: Burn Out 

Well done! After a day of working hard, you’ve officially burnt out. It doesn’t matter you rewarded yourself with an hour break every fifteen minutes, you were doing some hard work, so wipe away those tears and feel proud of that textbook you highlighted.

Step Six: Tell Everyone You Did Really Bad 

A really useful tip when you’ve written an essay or come out of an exam is to just complain to everyone about how bad you did. The Law of Surprise means that if you tell enough people, and they start moaning behind your back (you do realise we do that, right?), you’ll automatically get a good grade as weird cosmic karma. (This one only really works for overachievers though sadly).

Step Seven: Contemplate if you’re really above Step One 

I’m sorry, but Step One just becomes more and more appeasing as this guide goes on. If I make the same joke three times, is it still sarcastic? I’m asking for a friend here.

Step Eight: Pay Someone

This step is self-explanatory. There are literally websites that let you pay someone to write your essay. Can you guarantee the quality? No… But it will probably be better quality than what you were going to write though if you’re really following this guide.

Step Nine: … 

Wow, you must be desperate if you’re still reading. Ummm, I don’t know, wish upon a star? Rip out your eyelashes and make the same wish hundreds of times? Ignore the “Sarcastic” in the title and stop reading after Step One?


An English Literature student pessimistically fascinated with the world.

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