Jeff Bezos Is First Billionaire To Enter Poundland


Jeff Bezos has shocked the entire globe in his latest feat of innovation, entrepreneurial spirit, and practical know-how. Not only has Mr Bezos defied expectations far and wide with his successful space flight, but he also continued to stupefy the British population upon landing. Bezos is the first known billionaire to set foot inside a foundational part of the British fabric: Poundland.

That’s right, for seven minutes, the world-famous business tycoon was spotted majestically gliding along the toiletries section in the Above Bar Street branch, in the very heart of Southampton. Wessex Scene was able to ask Bezos a few questions about this rather alien experience.

I’ve heard so many humans situated in the British Isles about Poundland. See, the thing about humans is that they tend to regret the things that they don’t do. It’s those acts of omission that they -WE- regret 20 years later. I also have enough people in my life who love me that I was willing to take such a risk to my reputation and my business.

Bezos was first spotted by a middle-aged woman who was looking for a calendar with dog treats inside. She asked him for his autograph, filled to the brim with glee that she had met her idol. After a few minutes of chitchat, she exclaimed that she couldn’t believe that Eminem’s diss against him at the 2002 MTV Awards was uncalled for and his hit single Natural Blues ft. Christina Ricci got her through some really hard times. Upon informing her that he was not the legendary techno musician, Moby, she immediately left in an embarrassed fluster.

Regardless, it was a strange sight to see the face of the New Shepard rocket ship so astounded by the age-old concept of everything costing exactly one pound. We encouraged Bezos to delve a little deeper into his surprise at this wonderful shop:

It was a very enlightening experience and really took me back to the old days when I still consumed human sustenance. I really thought that I would stick out like a sore thumb in there but the clientele were remarkably clean and there wasn’t a single instance of knife crime. That being said, I did feel a little like a fish out of water as it broke my regular schedule of orbiting the earth, swivelling around in ominously large chairs, and stroking hairless cats. Overall, I would say it was a very positive experience.

We spoke to the cashier who served Bezos at the till who was utterly speechless as he scanned what would have looked like any normal person’s shopping list. The cashier had been watching You’ve Been Framed and TV Burp since he was a child, and to see his favourite comedian in front of him was a dream come true. No one on the Wessex Scene team had the heart to tell him that he didn’t serve Harry Hill.

Even for the few minutes that Bezos was in Poundland, he quickly felt the cultural dissonance between British people and our friends across the Atlantic:

I thought that I would be more in tune with Europeans as my family immigrated to America from Denmark. I had researched British vernacular and pretended to hate Portsmouth, but people were ecstatically yelling ‘get out my pub’ at me and I’m yet to find the reason why. A few people called me Phil Mitchell, who I suspect owns the store.

Bezos is currently developing exciting new plans with regard to Poundland. Specifically, he is undercutting them by selling their inventory for 70p per item on Amazon.


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