Did Aliens Abduct Wessex Scene’s News & Investigations Editors?


As some of our readers may have noticed, Wessex Scene currently doesn’t have any News & Investigations Editors, but how did this happen?

Until now the official line has been that nobody ran for the positions at the AGM or the subsequent EGM but new evidence has emerged that there may have been a cover-up of cosmic proportions, and the truth is quite literally out of this world.

Aliens took them! And then they tried to erase the whole debacle from everyone’s minds. The keyword here is ‘tried’ as fortunately for us they didn’t quite pull it off. Whilst we have no idea who is missing we have clear traces of their activity which we cannot attribute to anybody else. A number of our news writers have come to us with follow-ups on things none of us has any recollection of asking them to follow up and when pressed for more information they can’t recall who sent them to do the follow-up in the first place. Interestingly, one of our writers came to us with a follow-up on UFO sightings and crop circles in the local area, perhaps our missing editors knew too much?

1 – Our Head of Events & Outreach, Billy Traderman, tells us that he could have sworn he was in a relationship with one of the Editors but has no idea who, and likewise all our editors deny any romantic involvement with Billy.

Billy elaborated on this experience, telling us, ‘I’m sure my partner and I lived together, we must have shared a room because there are all these extra clothes and makeup on one side and none of it is mine, the clothes aren’t even in my size.’

We asked Billy why he was so certain that his other half must have been one of our editors and not a fifth victim, he retorted: ‘That’s just how it works, okay.’

We’re just patching a leak, scorch marks are a common symptom of this, pay no mind to them.

2 – We suspect recent work on the roof of the Hartley Library may also be a result of alien intervention. In the early hours of the 6th September, several students passing through campus after a night out drinking reported bright lights above the Harley Library, a place our editors are known to frequent at night, and the library was closed for urgent repair work which suddenly began shortly after sunrise. At the time we asked the university to comment on the damage, a spokesperson told us, ‘We’re just patching a leak, scorch marks are a common symptom of this, pay no mind to them.’ Observers noted that a large circular section of the roof was missing with the surrounding roof tiles looking melted and scorched, undoubtedly the calling card of a death ray.

With the News and Investigations Editors out of the picture we’ve been receiving reports that the news section has fallen into anarchy, one of our news writers who now insist they be called ‘The Reporter’ told us: ‘For years the editors have been watering down our content, but now we’re free to write as we please and I’ll be damned if we ever let some filthy editors control us again.’ Stay tuned as we uncover more about this situation.

(A note from the editorial team: upon review of this article it has come to our attention that Billy Traderman does not exist, the author also has no recollection of writing about him. We suspect that Billy is yet another victim of alien abduction.)


Editor-in-Chief for 2023/24. Interests include: satire, social sciences, heavy music, and leveraging anything within reach to try and make people laugh.

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