In recent years, the number of vegans in the UK has grown at an incredible pace. The Vegan Society claim ‘[In the UK] the number of vegan meals eaten at lunch or dinner soared 46% between 2019 and 2020’ under the worldwide statistics section of their website; they also provide a collection sources suggesting that this number continues to grow at an ever-increasing rate. Whilst these statistics are impressive, the secret to achieving them is even more so…
The obvious answer is that people are becoming evermore environmentally conscious and supportive of animal rights. This is true. But there’s another factor which is seldom reported in the media. Put simply, you are what you eat: by perfecting their diets, removing all traces of animals and surrendering themselves to the plants, vegans have inherited the ability to reproduce asexually.
‘Here in the UK, January is usually the best time of year for this,’ says Professor Anna Cabbageford, the biologist who first unlocked the secret of vegan asexual reproduction: ‘that’s actually where Veganuary came from; in addition to recruiting more vegans, we needed a feasible cover story to explain where all these new vegans came from’. Professor Cabbageford explained some of the difficulties and teething issues that she and her team faced at first, including how the first offspring were identical clones of their parents: ‘twins and even triplets are easily explained, but octodecuplets start to raise eyebrows’.
The plant-based clones did however have their uses; prolific environmental activist and vegan Greta Thunberg found herself the target of many a hit job ordered by those who stand to profit from the destruction of the environment (especially the high-ups in Big Meat), thankfully, numerous decoy Gretas have been sent for public appearances whilst the original remains in a secure, top-secret location. ‘Whenever they kill off one of the decoys, we just toss the body in the composter and grow a new one,’ Cabbageford reveals.
Professor Cabbageford has since perfected the process, allowing vegans to generate unique, fully developed offspring without the need for traditional reproduction methods. All that is required is a patch of fertile soil, some water, and a decent amount of sunlight; of course, this method is only available to the strictest of vegans. We enquired as to what happens if a less strict vegan were to attempt asexual reproduction: ‘at best, they might get a potato that vaguely resembles a face, at worst they will end up in a vegetative state which, over time, will degenerate to a vegetable state. It’s not pretty’. Traditional methods are obviously still an option but many vegans report preferring this new method as the resulting offspring are easier to raise due to their advanced development.
‘It is hoped that one day it will be possible for a prospective parent to determine the education level of their offspring’, but for now, Cabbageford continues, ‘we’re stuck with an average of 75% of the parent’s education level’. Another quirk that the Professor’s team are trying to iron out is what happens when one of these vegan offspring stops being vegan: ‘they kind of just turn to compost if you feed them meat – they can usually be regrown but they’re never quite the same afterwards’.
And there you have it, the secret to where all these new vegans are really coming from. Professor Cabbageford also informs us that she has her eyes set on human photosynthesis in the near future: ‘currently the closest I’ve gotten is being able to turn my fingers green at will, but I’ll get there some day’. Fascinating!