Why does Nobody Care about My Issues?


Sometimes it feels like the world is so focused on the issues faced by unbecoming, ‘independent’ women or minorities that there are people getting left out, people such as myself: the everyday white woman. I have problems too! In fact, I bet I have more problems than any of those other attention seekers!

When I was but an innocent fledgling, I played a game of hide and seek with the family nanny, it took her several hours to find me in my family’s mansion. I was terrified. I even missed dinner that day and had to have the chef prepare me something else later that evening, so don’t think I don’t know what it’s like to miss out on meals because I’ve experienced it too! In some ways I was humbled by this traumatic memory, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to own a house with more than 35 bedrooms in future.

Discrimination happens to all of us, even me; when I was flying down from London they wouldn’t let me bring Thaddeus, my emotional support bearded dragon, with me in my hand luggage, it didn’t matter that I had paid good money for a first class ticket, so I had to charter a private jet. This is discrimination! Most people never have the money to end up in such a situation so they don’t understand, they laugh at me, call me spoiled, yet I’m apparently a ‘snob‘ or ‘racist‘ when I laugh at them for their everyday problems. At least the penthouse flat I’m renting has an extra spare room just for Thaddeus.

‘But I would love to live in a penthouse’ people always tell me. No one understands the inconvenience of living in a penthouse! For starters, delivery drivers never want to come all the way up and leave my order at the door! I only live on the 24th floor, so what’s the big deal?!

Just because I live in a penthouse, it does not make me absurdly rich; I shall to have to start a GoFundMe just so I can survive this month since my parents have refused to transfer me more money. Honestly can’t imagine why they’re being like this; I only spent £200 on cocktails over the weekend! I mean, what am I supposed to do?? It’s not my fault craft cocktails start at £13 per drink! Wouldn’t they feel worse if I was one of those people who— ahem— sorry, I can’t quite even bring myself to say it— visited establishments where cocktails are 2-4-1?? *gags* Anyway, I’ve got to make it through the rest of this month somehow; I have a housekeeper to pay and a Waitrose order to place! I may have to get some new Louboutins too, there’s a crease in my old pair!

So, I can totally relate to experiencing hardship too. Nobody gets just how difficult it is to pay for the upkeep of a designer cat! Honestly, that initial £3000 just to OWN a pedigreed British Shorthair is a drop in the bucket compared to what I spend on her paw-dicure appointments, her purr-sonal stylist, and our cat show entry fees! It’s a full-time job, honestly, but you never find anyone who sympathises with the struggles of pedigree cat mums!

And while we’re talking about mums, I actually can’t bear to speak to my mum right now. My boyfriend and I are going on our first holiday together and she bought us a beachfront villa for the summer but it only has a PARTIAL OCEAN VIEW!!! My life is full of struggles and people should really think twice before they criticise my lifestyle!


Editor-in-Chief for 2023/24. Interests include: satire, social sciences, heavy music, and leveraging anything within reach to try and make people laugh.

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