Disclaimer: Article may be satirical in nature.
Prince Andrew is said to be ‘absolutely fuming’ after hearing of the news that the Duchess of Sussex has given birth to a baby boy.
The sprog’s existence now pushes the Duke of York to 8th place in the inheritance line for mama’s jewels and reigning over the crown’s dominions. However, this apparently is not the main reason for his volcanic state of rage upon hearing the news that Meghan Markle had given birth to a healthy boy. He is said to be ‘incandescent with rage’ chiefly for two reasons.
Firstly, Prince Andrew is said to be upset at the prospect of another rival for nice but meaningless titles. Although his parents have decided so far that their baby will not be known as the Earl of Dumbarton, the Duke of York fears that in due course the newborn will pick up a nice but meaningless title like his father’s, the Duke of Sussex. Prince Andrew has always enjoyed the status of the Duke of York, but is reportedly covetous of other titles being gobbled up by Prince Charles’ children’s offspring. What’s more, he feels eminently qualified for the burden of holding other trivial titles having previously held the role of Britain’s ‘Special Representative for International Trade and Investment’ from 2001-2011, in which he achieved precisely nothing. Sadly, he lost the role when media scrutiny exposed his seemingly relaxed attitude to Central Asian corruption and friendship with Azerbaijan President Ilham Aliyev. To hear that these qualifications may be overlooked in favour of the newborn is said to have been a heavy blow to the Duke.
Secondly and more importantly, Prince Andrew is said to be ‘terrified’ by the prospect of another baby shower that culminates in a family photo with the newborn and is desperately struggling to come up with new gift ideas. It’s rumoured that his anxiety is such that he has ordered 1,500 vanilla-scented candles as a possible present, knowing full well that scented candles are the gift of choice for anyone who hasn’t a clue what to get.
Normally when a royal baby is born, members of the Windsor family feel the need to line up to deliver the most platitudinous press release statements of all time, that they’re ‘delighted’, ‘absolutely thrilled’, ‘so pleased’ or ‘having orgasmic rushes of joy’ (ok, last one might have made up) upon hearing the news. Typically, reactions from male members of the family also contain half-hearted jokes related to sleep deprivation or the changing of nappies, which royal press correspondents lap up as if they’re the next flipping Live at the Apollo comedian launching a 3 month tour of UK theatres with tickets now only £29.99.
This pattern has largely continued with the arrival of the latest royal nipper, although in fairness to Prince William, he’s bucked the trend with a not god-awful half-joke about welcoming his bro to ‘the sleep deprivation society that is parenting’ – still, the bar wasn’t exactly high.
As with any royal news, there are the sycophants who wish to imitate the latest Windsor family trends. However, as we found out when catching up with known royal obsessive Harry Sandringham, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s determination to do things a little differently has flummoxed some:
Back in the days of Kate and Will’s having a kid, it was fine – Kate would always come out of the hospital with the latest expensive maternity dress and I could go online and order one. But now the baby’s birth is announced by Prince Harry in a car park with some horses looking on behind – how is anyone supposed to copy that?!
Prince Andrew had hoped that for the recompense of further meaningless title competition and for the ordeal that is searching for a suitable gift, the newborn would be named Andrew. However, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex were reportedly not entirely convinced that Andrew meets the bar for possessing an American and British essence as a name because ‘Andy Murray won the US Open once’. Instead they have opted for Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, adding another wound to the Duke of York’s already bloodstained pride.