A Very Boris Christmas


Here at Wessex Scene we have received a leaked diary from Number 10 detailing how Prime Minister Boris Johnson spent his day last Christmas.

7am: A young Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas Johnson comes bounding into the master suite at Chequers, awaking (Alexander) Boris de Pfeffel Johnson from his slumber. Boris, characteristically dishevelled, jolts awake from a dream mumbling words that seem to be derived from the Iliad, or some other renowned dactylic hexameter. Of course this does not phase Carrie, as Boris is master at the art of circumlocution; frequently straying off on various tangents where it is doubtful even he knows where he will end up.

7:15am: Boris, now somewhat in this universe, dons a beanie, floral button-up, pair of shorts, and a pair of brogues; no, not for a fashion show but for his morning run. Out the door, Boris’ Close Protection Officers seem to drop further and further behind him; perhaps less owing to his political leanings and more hoping to be too far to intervene should someone seek to punish Johnson for this crime against fashion.

7:45am: Boris returns from his excursion unscathed and heads up to the master suite for his shower, ensuring that Winston Churchill’s Greatest Speeches (Vol. 2) and some Vivaldi are playing on the iPod Touch.

11:45am: As Boris pours himself another glass of Bucks-Fizz, children of various ages – and mothers –  begin to convene in the reception room of Chequers. Boris greets them merely by gendered endearments, given that he has forgotten the names of all his six children.

13:00pm: Now seated, Boris as head of the table, rises to his feet to give his traditional Christmas lunch speech. Filled with light racism and straying further from reality by the second, all guests at the table begin to sip vigorously on their drinks to cope, the butlers struggling to keep up with the demand.

15:00pm: Boris and the family gather around the television. A fierce patriot, Boris demands silence in the room whilst Her Majesty gives her Christmas address.

16:00pm: Having become more and more inebriated by the hour, Boris announces that he is going for his ‘Christmas Cigar’; which those in his inner circle will know is merely a rouse so that Boris can attend to Ms Jennifer Arcuri, his not so secret mistress.

16:15pm: Carrie Johnson castigates a teenage child of Boris’ for using a plastic straw, straying off into platitudes about the environment and tortoises.

22:00pm: After a day of heavy drinking Boris is removed from his working office at Chequers, having made derogatory comments to the French Ambassador to the United Kingdom and threatening to build a bridge across the Channel to invade.

23:00pm: Much like the day started, Boris floats off into an alcohol dense sleep, reciting the Telegony – another one of the dactylic hexameters imprinted in Boris’ head following his boisterous study of Classics at Oxford University.


Political Editor of the Wessex Scene 2021-22. Interested chiefly in International Relations and Foreign Affairs.

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