Insider spills the tea on Downing Street’s Xmas 2021 party


An anonymous inside source has leaked proof that on December 23rd, an emergency cabinet meeting in which PM Johnson allowed each member of the cabinet to bring up to 20 plus ones on the condition that each person brings some booze, was held to discuss whether a New Year’s party would be held to distract from the ongoing Partygate scandal.

Since word got out about this meeting, it has become the subject of criticism; multiple members of the opposition have accused the meeting of being a cover for a Christmas party and an anonymous inside source claims that one MP was ‘drunkenly trying to make out with a portrait of Margaret Thatcher’ whilst festive tunes blasted away in the background.

There is nothing unusual about alcohol in the workplace, it is a key ingredient in hand sanitiser.

Tory minister Nadhim Zahawi defended the meeting stating that ‘nobody was wearing tinsel or hats at the event so to label the meeting a Christmas party would be absolutely incorrect’. When queried about the choice of music he retorted: ‘it is perfectly normal for people to listen to music at work, one’s taste in music is none of your concern’. When questioned about his previous comments on a party which allegedly took place in 2020, in which he claimed it couldn’t have been a party due to the lack of alcohol, Mr Zahawi stated ‘there is nothing unusual about alcohol in the workplace, it is a key ingredient in hand sanitiser and has in fact been commonplace at work for over a year now’ and that ‘my colleagues were being cautious about their hygiene and most certainly were not drinking the alcohol’.

Current Home Secretary Priti Patel also chimed in, insisting that the meeting was not a party but an ‘urgent matter of national security’. Mrs Patel claims that the government had received an anonymous tip-off that an immigrant planned to enter the country illegally on the night of the 24th December, bringing with him several unregistered pets and a large sack of goods for which he has no intention of paying duty or customs fees. When pushed for details as to why this would-be immigrant’s arrival was cause for an emergency cabinet meeting, a spokesperson for the Home Office told us ‘we had reason to believe this individual, who shall remain anonymous for security reasons, was planning multiple home invasions and was a severe flight risk. We could not afford to take any chances’. The Home Office refused to comment on whether any such threat materialised.

I will be at home playing checkers. Wink wink. [sic]

As for the fate of the New Year’s party, a leaked internal memo from No.10 read ‘out of respect for the filthy peasants British public, no celebrations will be held at Downing Street to mark the new year, wink wink nudge nudge [sic]’. In a secret recording, the Prime Minister can be heard elaborating to staff that ‘there will be no parties at Downing Street this year, in fact, I will be at home on New Years’ Eve playing checkers. Wink wink. I actually believe a good many of us will be. Nudge nudge [sic]’. We have no idea what these bizarre statements from Downing Street and the Prime Minister are supposed to mean; it is almost like a poorly thought out secret code but surely our government are beyond such childish behaviour?


Editor-in-Chief for 2023/24. Interests include: satire, social sciences, heavy music, and leveraging anything within reach to try and make people laugh.

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