It’s Just You Because it’s Not Getting Hot in Here: A Sceptic’s Guide to Climate Denial

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‘Have you done something new with your hair?’, the sun asks. He looks at you directly in the eyes, piercing into your soul as though it’s just another ozone layer. Sol, Helios, Herr Sonne. You’ve seen him before. He’s special. Around the time that the sun was giving you the eyes, everything felt hotter. Romantic disbelievers claim it’s a result of climate change. You laugh, that’s not the real reason. It’s obvious – the sun has got a crush on you.

Followers of the apparent natural sciences have begun to brainwash the entire planet, using ‘proven facts’ to show that increased global temperatures are due to the intense and overwhelming release of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. This is not correct. The only thing humanity is responsible for is attracting the affections of something equally as hot. If the sun has a crush on over 7.5 billion people, it’s going to create a lot of heat. The world is not getting hotter, but the people on it are.

As well as believing that a celestial body has a crush on humans, climate deniers can prove their theories with some science. One idea is that people feel temperatures in different ways. Some people can’t sleep with a blanket on, some have to bravely stick a leg out from underneath, and still others insist on being smothered in layers. Therefore, it is silly to suggest that global warming is even a valid concept, as it cannot be true that every part of the world, just like the people on it, will feel the heat in the same way. It can then, therefore, be concluded that global warming is not a measure of temperature, but instead the vapid narcissism of humanity.

‘But what about all the indicators of climate change?’, I hear you ask. These can all be easily addressed, and consequently denied. The World Meteorological Organisation reported on the global climate from 2015 to 2019. In their research, they found that the global average temperature had increased by 0.2°C within that period. That is not much hotness. The report also found that CO2 growth rates are nearly 20% higher than they were five years ago. However, that’s only an extra 66ml if the carbonation was in a can rather than the atmosphere – a pitiful amount. ‘How about the devastating Australian bushfires? How can global warming be denied when this is happening?’ As claimed by The Telegraph, the bushfires were ‘fuelled by a combination of extreme heat, prolonged drought and strong winds.’ Only one of those factors even mentions hot things. Case. Closed.

Climate denial is real and pure and 100% well-reasoned. US President and ‘environmentalist’, Donald Trump, has previously Tweeted some very anti-climate-change content.  His expert theorising can be seen where he simply states that climate change is a conspiracy that was ‘created by the Chinese.’ Trump may have retracted this comment, but that doesn’t change the truth behind it.

There’s no denying that things are certainly heating up in here, and I for one would much rather face the truth of planetary affections than the perceived global crisis. However, if this makes you nervous, just remember that once the sun finds someone else to crush on, things will become far less intense. But if that’s not the case, go find yourself a nice open patch of scorched earth to lie on and prepare to be smothered by love, because it’s not going to get any better.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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