REAL People Found to Have Been Inhabiting East Anglia for the Past 10,000 Years!


Anthropologists have discovered that against all the odds, a microecosystem of our very own species has managed to cling on life in the barren hellscape that is the Hump of England.

It used to be common knowledge that upon viewing a map of the United Kingdom, you could safely ignore the area just east of Cambridge – also known as the Negative Zone, or The Shadowy Lands that The Light Does Not Touch. However, it seems now that the triple-sealed Supermax fortifications built around the Forbidden Area may be opening more often, as research teams turn up in droves to study these people who are very much like us – but aren’t.

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You have nothing to fear from them! These state of the art ‘Brick and Mortar Walls Ⓡ’ will keep you safe.

‘So what are these people like?’ is the burning question on the tip of everyone’s tongues, like a habanero pepper your boyfriend assured you wasn’t as spicy as you thought, but you’re not sure you like that mischievous grin of his as you go for the chomp.

‘Well, they’re very similar to us regular people,’ reported Dr Marcel Chunk, lead Researcher at East-Anglia Research – E.A.R. for short.

They wake up in the morning, brush their teeth, wash, go to school, work, the toilet and the grave. When hungry, they go to an American fast-food restaurant, or if they feel guilty they like to pretend to go on a diet while snacking on biscuits and chocolate while they think no one is looking. But we’re always watching them. There isn’t a single second from kicking and screaming birth to the alone and unloved death where we don’t violate their privac- Oh, I’m terribly sorry, I used the incorrect terminology there – study their cultures and customs.

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Artfully hidden cameras like these keep watch on the citizens while being totally inconspicuous.

And yet the news has not sparked joy in everyone. Many activist groups on both sides of the spectrum are shocked and appalled at the prospect of increased contact and unregulated probing of the natives. Groups on the left liken the circumstance of the East-Anglians to that of the North Sentinelese, saying that these people simply want to be left alone and to recklessly introduce them to society would be an unmitigated disaster citing the diseases Europeans brought to the New World that decimated the native population. Meanwhile, Ludlow Smogrun of the ‘Keep Up That Wall or I’ll Bash Yer ‘Ed In’ branch of the BNP had this to say.

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Mr Smogrun engages in some calm and rational debate with our cameraman.

My family has been keepin’ that there wall there maintained and keeping them lot out for over 1000 years! I’ll be damned if they tear that wall down – over my dead body!

Food for thought.


Hard-hitting aspirational comedian who'll always bring the rawest, saddest and funniest "news" possible.

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