As if we didn’t already know, this week has just further rammed the tabloid version of truth down our throats to the point of submission. After the announcement of their intentions to leave the ever-relevant British monarchy, Harry and Meghan have simply confirmed what we knew, and what the Daily Mail seemed to suggest, all along. They are, without doubt, the worst people ever.
The audacity, the nerve, the financial independence; how very dare they? Since when has making deeply personal decisions, with life-changing consequences, in the best interests of their relationship and new-born been a viable option for a member of the royal family?
Don’t for a hot second think this argument comes without nuanced and intellectual pillars of support. Let’s look through history and see if we can find one single person worse than this deplorably attractive modern couple.
Many of your minds may possibly drift to the various twentieth century dictators of Germany, China and Russia. Combined, these old boys probably have the blood of over one hundred million deaths on their hands. At their feet lies the blame for some of the bloodiest conflicts the world has ever seen. And yet, think of the people that must have voted for them. There’s a fair few of them. I don’t know of any voting statistics for Harry and Meghan, but I can’t imagine its more than I can count on my fingers and I was born in Norwich. This so-called royal couple: unelected.
The reputations of Ivan the Terrible and Vlad the Impaler very much precede them. Known for cutting their builders’ eyes out so they wouldn’t create another house as nice as theirs. Sticking heads on spikes as a constant reminder to people to never cross their nicknamed leaders. Some rather harrowing tales that go on, and on. However, did you ever hear either of these chaps telling their 93-year-old Grandmother they were moving out, without first consulting her? Didn’t think so, another cross in the box for H&M.
Its also an excellent idea to only focus on this news for a long time. Anything else simply doesn’t matter. Iran and America in serious nuclear standoff? Yawn. Australia bushfires showcasing the very worst of what is to come from global warming? Chill out mate. Yemen and South Sudan entering consecutive years of famine and war? Not for me. Homelessness doubled across the last decade as the country faces an economic decision to leave the world’s biggest trading market, facing generations of economic detriment? Calm yourselves. None of that gets anywhere near what Harry and Meghan are threatening to do – working in North America. Simply despicable, and clearly requires many column inches in kindling papers such as The Telegraph and The Sun. News as we want it.
Still, time will tell who was on the right side of history. I am pretty certain that two people choosing to distance themselves from an archaic and possibly incestuous institution will be facing the music before they know it. I don’t think it will be long before they are tempted to come running back into the racially haranguing arms of the upstanding British media. Spare me the thought of the uproar there will be if they spend just another honest and heartfelt minute discussing mental health, rather than having a beer with a known paedophile. Ludicrous.
The EU, free university education, Gareth Bale and now Harry and Meghan. I hope no more taxpayer money goes toward any of these offensive concepts. Anyway, I’m off to bung a bob for a Big Ben bong.