Student Dies of Exhaustion Whilst Looking for Seat in Hartley Library

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A student has died of exhaustion after spending hours desperately attempting to locate a spare seat in Hartley Library on University Road, despite a myriad of study rooms at Highfield and the entirety of Avenue campus literally existing.

The event is a stark reminder on how busy the library can get during exam time, as hundreds of students flock to sit about, send a couple of angry tweets to some TERFs and get ready to do some actual work before promptly having a snack.

The student, whose identity has not been released, was found on Level 4 amid the History books, prompting some subpar ‘journalists’ to speculate that the student died of boredom, which the reporter of this article believes to be utter bollocks.

An autopsy also revealed their blood system was 40% Redbull and 40% coffee, meaning that no-one is safe from the dangers of exam exhaustion, no matter how much caffeine they pump into their body.

A friend of the student, Joe LeNoe, was there on the fateful day, who worries that he may be partly to blame for the tragedy, explaining how he and the student had been searching for a seat together:

It got to twenty minutes into our search, when we realised that we would never sit together. Our search became more frantic, we split up more often as we scoured each room like two serotonins looking for a single receptor.

LeNoe continued to explain how they eventually came across a ‘sole, single seat’ in the depths of Level 1 for LeNoe to claim the prize, revealing his regret surrounding the events:

‘Thing is, I’m a Humanities student, why the f*** did I think I needed it more than my friend?’

However, a seance managed to make contact with the deceased student, where they expressed their deepest sympathies for everyone with exams right now, telling everyone to get some exercise and a good night’s sleep and to wish them all the best of luck.

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Pause Editor; enjoy writing for Politics and International when it's time to be more serious.

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