A Satirical Guide to Coming Out

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So, you think you’re gay. Or bi. Or pan. Or something that you just can’t put a label on. Regardless, you want to come out with a bang. Don’t worry – this isn’t going to be like those awful gender reveal videos, but something to go down in the ages and get you plenty of clout.

Message in a Bottle

A classic, and very 16th century. To make a message in a bottle you simply need a bottle and message – the latter of which literacy is also required for. Once you have these, combine them and throw the bottle into the ocean, forgiving yourself for committing this light act of marine pollution in the process.

Note that it may take a while for your message to reach wherever the ocean may take it. It could also end up anywhere, so make sure to write in English or, if you’re artistic, describe how you feel about yourself through pictures (keep it PG now, you never know who’ll pick the thing up).

If you’re trying to get it to a specific location, note that ocean currents are your best friend. See the picture below for a reference of where you should cast off from for it to reach your preferred location.

Harness the weather, create a rainbow on command

Demonstrate your queer powers by creating a rainbow seemingly on command. You may have heard of HAARP, a program run by the American government with the supposed aim of studying how radio waves spread through the ionosphere. However, some very smart people, like Alex Jones, have said that its actual purpose is to control the weather and create natural disasters.

Whilst practically everything Mr Jones has ever said before is wrong, you better hope he’s right here as you could use HAARP to your advantage.

Simply make a friend there and communicate with them to get them to produce a rainbow to appear before you as you come out to your friends, family or whoever else. Not only will this impress everyone, but, if anyone does have a problem with who you are, it’s a sure way to make them fear your gay energy as you harness the skies.

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Freeze yourself in a cryogenic chamber, wait for a better tomorrow

Unfortunately, we don’t live in a world or country free from bigotry. One way to get around that is to do a Walt Disney/Phillip Fry and put yourself on ice for a couple of centuries to find a population free from prejudice.

For the best results, I would recommend dropping your degree to pursue a career in STEM and to lead the world with your cryogenics program. Upon completion, simply freeze yourself for a few centuries, thaw properly and then come out in 4-5 days.

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Bring along a hot Brazilian lover to give you some support

Pretty self-explanatory, this tip is ideal for those who might need some support as you drop the bomb.

Has the added benefit of having a hot Brazilian lover as you come out, but also has the downside of actually having to get a hot Brazilian lover. Then again, I have faith in you, so have at it.

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Tell someone you trust

In all seriousness, this is probably the way to go. It may be hard, but I bet you’ll be received with a smile and reassurance that you’re still the same, no matter who you’re attracted to.

From there, it can only get easier, as you’ve just got some practice telling someone something that you may have had a hard time coming to grips with yourself.

Pretty soon you’ll have a rainbow emoji on your Twitter handle and will be enjoying life at The Edge.

 

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