How to Break up With Your Partner


Perhaps you’ve been in love. Exciting, butterfly-inducing and heart-tingling. Perhaps you’re embarking on a daunting new fling with that mysterious girl at the coffee shop or attempting to spice up your wilting long-distance relationship with the boy from back home. Either way, it won’t be long until you catch a glance of yourselves in a reflection and, suddenly, you look like siblings. All good things come to an end. So, what better way to spend this day of love than clueing up on some masterful means to break it off? Thank me later.

Face to face.

It’s traditional, it’s well tested, it’s just absolutely textbook. Come on, though. It’s not very original, possibly even a bit boring. Much like the relationship, no doubt. Let’s branch out mate.

Certainly the modern way to do it. Very hip and trendy. If your partner is younger (easy now) then it will be most appreciated. However, make sure to check your monthly allowance well in advance as the last thing you want from this mess is some unwanted fees. MSM incoming.

Professional. Mature. Most definitely courteous. Chuck a few ‘best wishes’ in, get rid of your ‘sent from’ signature and always include a subject title. If you’ve only got a Hotmail account though, it might be best to stick this break up through LinkedIn. Time to grow up.

Nothing says a patriotic break up than a nice letter through your post-box, putting all your faith in the Royal Mail. If it doesn’t get there in time, that’s just all the more reason to nationalise. For the many (breakups), not the few (couples). But fear not, nationalistic or not, you can always trust the system and your local posty. Gah.

Carrier Pigeon.
A direct rival to the written letter. In this environmentally aware world we live, is there any other option? Tweet tweet, goodbye.

Avoids the tricky issue of texting fees we diced with earlier. It’s certainly less effort for either of you and, from what I’ve read, it only has a slight chance of leaving one of you reeling with commitment issues going forward. Still, if it doesn’t go well, you can always pretend nothing happened and pick things up where they left off. There’s a clear conscience for you.

Get your Mum to do it.

They say your Mum will be there for you no matter what. It’s time to put that theory to the test. Cometh the hour, cometh the Mother and all that. Now, what’s for tea?

Christmas Day. Next to Lincoln Cathedral. In a Volkswagen Up.
Possibly, just maybe, a little bit too close to home for me, this one. In a car originally made by the Nazis of all people. Keep it festive.

Move very, very, very far away.

I’m not just talking Reading. It’s got to be at least Slough. Perhaps do the reverse Brexit and head to Europe, whilst you still can. Get lost, literally, in the souks of Marrakesh. Settle down with a nice allotment in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, if you can find them. Anywhere your (former) partner won’t be able to find you. Just make sure you’ve got enough time booked off work before it gets too inconvenient for anyone.

All in all, love is a tricky mistress and we’re all slaves to the system. If Valentines treats you well this year, that’s great. We’re all so happy for you. But before you can really know if you love them, just ask yourself one thing;

How can I break up with them?


Final year History student, stuck in the past.

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