Disclaimer: The following article is satirical in nature
Many of us are a little uncertain about the University’s plan to move all Semester 2 assessment off campus. However, in a Wessex Scene exclusive, we can reveal that all assessment will now take place in the form of BuzzFeed quizzes.
The University’s Vice President for Education, Neil Alex, stated:
The circumstances we are currently facing are extraordinary, but we believe this move is a positive, groundbreaking, technological leap in providing education to our students. We explored 12 different options for assessment (Number 7 will shock you!), and decided that this was by far the best.
Physics students will take quizzes such as ‘Which fundamental particle are you?’ and ‘We’ll guess your favourite planet based on your taste in bread’, while Chemistry students will have options like ‘Should you dip your hand into that vat of Hydrochloric Acid?’. Geography students will take the ‘Is it a desert or a dessert?’ quiz, while all students studying Modern History modules will be required to do the ‘Guess the year from the Spice Girls album art’ quiz.
Opinions from students are mixed. One student, who did not wish to be named, said that he was delighted with the news that what he had thought of as ‘procrastination all semester’ turned out to be ‘revision’.
Another student, who did wish to be named (but we forgot to write it down), expressed severe disappointment at not getting to sit on hard chairs with tiny desks in a freezing cold sports hall for two hours in silence, asking ‘that’s no fun, what’s the point in doing any assessment?’
Meanwhile, another student (okay, maybe I’m not as good a journalist as I thought if I keep missing everyone’s name) said ‘I’m no fan of BuzzFeed but at least it’s not The Tab’.
Despite this novel method of assessment, the University has still moved to make cuts due to the COVID-19 crisis. The Vice-Chancellor said:
Due to the ongoing situation, we have cut back our non-essential courses, such as Medicine, Virology and Epidemiology. You won’t believe what happens next!