Student with all the Time in the World Does F*ck All During Lockdown


A student with all the time she could ever wish for during lockdown to complete her 10,000-word dissertation, 3,000-word comparative literature essay and 1,000-word French dialogue assignment has used her bountiful time to complete approximately zero work.

Daisy Donought, a final year English and French student, had hoped to use the self-isolation and lockdown period to better herself as a person through productivity and hard work at home, but has so far only written the title of her dissertation and rewatched the entirety of Friends for the nth time.

According to a close source to Miss Donought, a major factor causing her lack of productivity regarding her university work came after she realised what ‘no detriment’ actually meant for her grades.

Her imagined days of illustrating, reading classic novels in the garden and staying fit with home exercise videos also fell through after she realised she’s just like everyone else and really couldn’t be arsed to do anything.

Miss Donought, however, feels no remorse for her laziness whatsoever, safe in the knowledge that she is ‘doing [her]part in the fight against the spread of the coronavirus’ by staying at home, couch potato or not. She added that, as a self-proclaimed keyboard activist for social issues, she is well-rehearsed in doing f*** all to actually help.

Asked what her plans were for this weekend, she included ‘drinking’ because ‘I deserve it’, although why she does is not wholly clear at this current point in time – it may be because her Sim’s characters have been acting up after staging a protest against the noticeable increase in disappearing swimming pool ladders during the lockdown.

There is an upside to Miss Donought’s inactivity though, as Tod, the family cat, has reported a 500% increase in the attention, treats and friendly pats he’s been receiving, something that he’s been kindly repaying in due fashion, according to his family, with ‘f*** all’.


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