Streets To Be Sprayed With Flat 7UP To Combat Coronavirus


In his latest address to the nation, Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced a new and unorthodox measure to be taken to combat coronavirus, in which decarbonated 7UP will be sprayed in the streets, putting the lemonade to good use.

With a coronavirus vaccine still to be found, scientists are embracing the curative powers of a wee glass of flat 7UP, following the beverage having been extolled by British and Irish mammies for generations. It has been known to provide miraculous results for children taking a day off school due to a high temperature, an upset tummy or in an attempt to avoid a maths exam. Now with fears mounting in the midst of this pandemic, scientists are hoping to extend these phenomenal results to the fight against coronavirus. 

At the time of writing, thousands of litres of 7UP are being collected and stored in open vats in Wembley Stadium. The lack of pressure in the vats enables the bubbles of carbon dioxide to escape into the atmosphere – a process known in scientific terms as ‘going flat’. The flat 7UP will then be poured into portable containers attached to hoses which will be used to spray the streets. 

Dr Emma Pepper, a medical research scientist and fizzy drinks enthusiast, released a statement on the new measure, saying:

Flat 7UP has been the antidote to many a cold, hangover and bout of man flu for decades. It’s about time that the scientific world recognised its curative powers. If flat 7UP can treat minor ailments, who’s to say it can’t cure coronavirus?

The spraying is scheduled to take place on Sunday 24th May, during which time all citizens are advised to stay indoors. Anyone who must be present in public during the spraying is advised to wear a sensible coat and bring a straw (reusable, of course). 

In the unlikely case that these measures prove to be unsuccessful, health experts are suggesting that spraying the streets with chicken noodle soup may well be the next step forward. 


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