British Deployments Lay Down Weapons as ‘Violence is Never The Answer’


Disclaimer: This article is satirical in nature

UK troops assisting in global coalitions to fight the oppressive regimes of Daesh and Al-Qaeda in Iraq and Afghanistan respectively have announced that they will be laying down their weapons after realising that ‘violence is never the answer’.

The words reflect those of peaceful protest advocates critical of anti-racist protests taking place throughout the UK and around the world, some of which have turned violent, prompting a slew of Dr Martin Luther King Jr quotes to appear on Facebook. In a statement, spokesman for the troops said:

We understand that tyranny and oppression must be combated and stamped out, however we got news that the protests back home turned violent and many Brits were saying that violence is never the answer. The lads and I got talking, did some reflecting and, yeah, they’re right – we’ve essentially been thugs inciting mob rule in countries that aren’t ours. 

These deployed soldiers believe the right thing to do now is to raise their voices in a respectful and democratic way.

Jihadists of Daesh and Al-Qaeda stated that they respect the right to protest in a proper and lawful manner, going on to say that it is not their intention to use brutal force, but when the British troops resort to violence and thuggery, it is simply unacceptable and cannot be tolerated. 

Not all servicemen and women have been swayed by the situation back home in the way they think about events where they are stationed. One serviceman, who was stationed in Iraq in 2003, recounted the statue of Saddam Hussein being toppled. The soldier, who wishes to remain anonymous, said:

I felt like they were erasing history… I mean sure, the act was symbolic and monumental, but it was also removing a man who had some good qualities as well as bad. I just think we can’t be tearing statues of people we disagree with down left, right, and centre – it’s a slippery slope! How will our children learn about Saddam’s regime if not through monuments designed to commemorate his greatness?

Both the Defence Minister and the Secretary of State for International Trade, who is responsible for UK arms export licensing, have refused to comment on the matter.


Former News & Investigations Editor 2019-20. I'm a serial Netflix-binger, writer and big time radio nerd. I like politics and comedy (the two seem to be more blurred nowadays) as well as Sci-Fi and 'geek culture'. Video essays are my current obsession. Studying Natural Sciences at Uni of Southampton.

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