People Who Carry Out Studies are ‘Really Cool’, Study Finds


People who carry out research studies are ‘really cool’ and ‘objectively awesome,’ according to a new study performed by the University of Southampton.

The research, carried out across departments, found that 99% of researchers were ‘fun to hang out with’ and ‘really nice once you get to know them.’ Results were also found to show that 9 out of 10 ‘would make amazing partners’ and are ‘incredibly attractive.’

Critics of the paper, published Monday, claim that the results are ‘clearly biased’ and ‘essentially meaningless.’ In reply, the authors of the paper released a joint statement highlighting a section of their data which showed that researchers are, in fact, ‘never ever biased.’ Furthermore, they cite an earlier paper, published in November 2019, which found people who criticise research to be either ‘massive losers’ or ‘big meanies.’  The critics could not be reached for further response.

Asked what was next for the team, spokesperson Dr Alex Carson stated they were developing hypotheses of a similar nature. At time of writing, they are looking into claims that people who write articles about investigative studies are ‘absolute legends,’ with current data seeming to support that claim.


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