Walt Disney Studios Unveils New Premium Access Plans Ahead of Mulan Release


After Covid-19 ransacked the world of cinema (and everything else actually), films across the globe were seen being pushed back to new release windows or being forced to adopt a Video-on-Demand format with a new blingy price tag. One such film pushed back was the surprisingly anticipated remake of Mulan that no one wanted.

Originally scheduled for March 27th, Walt Disney Studios made the tough call to delay the film in the hope of getting rich off it another day, with a new confirmed date of September 4th – but there’s a catch. No longer will the film be heading to cinemas. Instead, the film is set to be making its way downtown, walking fast, faces past and it’s homebound to your screens. That’s right, Mulan is heading to Disney+ with a whopping $29.99 price tag on top of the initial $5.99 that households will need to pay for a subscription.

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After this was announced, backlash across the film community erupted for the third time surrounding the film (the first being an initial casting call for a white actress rather than an Asian one, and the second when the Asian actress they hired turned around and condoned police brutality in Hong Kong). While initially Walt Disney Studios have refrained from commenting on the subject, after a social media storm that President Trump or Kanye West wasn’t a part of for once, Walt Disney has finally released a statement and revised pricing plan. You can read the statement below:

It has come to our attention to us at Walt Disney Studios that our intended plans for Mulan have caused a deep-seated resentment towards us and we would like to apologise for this. When deciding the fate of Mulan, we wanted to bring it to as many households as possible and we decided that releasing it on Disney+ was the best course of action. When talking to the millionaires that make up our CEOs and Executives, we believed a meagre $30 was a justifiable price and we even felt like it was stealing from our hard-owned pockets of cash. However, it turns out the minority of people who don’t live the same modest lifestyle that we do feel this price is extortion. While we are unwilling to lower the original price, we have decided to come up with budget options and even more premium options to give households the choices they deserve. Thank you for bearing with us, and we hope these changes will help console the anger we have caused.

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Disney has provided us with an exclusive rundown of their new pricing options which you can now read below and purchase as of September 4th.

Pricing Options*

$3.99 – Any five minutes of the film. (Max one purchase per Disney+ account)

For this generous price of $3.99, you can watch any five minutes of the film at your choosing. This is a great addition to be supplemented by the original 1997 animated edition which tells practically the same story!

$10.99 – Take a chance card

With this price, you’re in the for a chance to earn unique awards and prizes for you and the whole family (maximum family size of one). From meeting the real-life British Mulan that could have been to the ability to steal purchased access of the film from another paying customer**, the choices are endless and rewarding.

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$15.99 – Mulan in an alternative language.

Watch the film in any language you don’t understand without subtitles for a unique viewing experience. Top language options include: Gobbeldygook, Esperanto, Latin (backwards), or English with a Scottish accent.

$19.99 – Speed it Up

Watch the film at 4 times the original speed for those busy bees who don’t have time to watch the film!

$29.99 – Watch Mulan with no catches!

That’s right, this is the price where you can watch Mulan completely undisturbed***.

$39.99 – Film & Snacks

With state of the art spying equipment (approved by the British government, CIA, FBI, KGB and all other shady organisations!) Disney will upgrade you to this package if they hear you eating snacks – capturing the true essence of cinema snacks and pricing!

$49.99 – Dinsey Corona Fund

As a small family business with a net worth of a measly $100 (ooooops, we forgot to add the other seven zeroes, ah well, pish posh) Disney have been heavily affected by the coronavirus pandemic and need your help to survive this tumultuous time! With your kind donation, you can help a struggling family business pick itself back up and help work towards a goal of thriving.

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$99.99 – Redirection to Pornhub’s XXX remake of the film.

Need more be said?

$1,000,000 – Steal and accreditation

In true Walt Disney style, we are giving you the chance to be credited for the creation of something you had no hand in developing. Much in the style of the late Walt Disney himself, this is the superior packing for those desiring to seek a claim of fame that they never deserved.

* All pricing options include an added $5.99 subscription fee to Disney+
** If you steal a paid-for copy of Mulan from another paying household, it is considered theft and Disney will not be held for your actions or the actions of others.
*** Unless Mulan is stolen from you by a lucky ‘Take A Chance’ customer.

An English Literature student pessimistically fascinated with the world.

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