Household of Seven Competes to Kick Out Seventh Housemate According to New Government Guidelines

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While we are all going to be greatly affected in the next few months by Boris’ choice to reduce gatherings to a total of six people, none of us will need to deal with the challenges faced by one unlucky household in Portswood. As soon as the news was dropped, this house of seven was faced with the harsh reality that one of their group would need to go. But the big question was how would they go about choosing this poor soul, who, from Monday, would be forced out of their own home?

“Well, the obvious choice was Steve, but we had to make it seem fair, you see,” says Thomas, who was deemed necessary to stay no matter what due to the fact that he brought most of the money in and therefore basically paid the rent. When asked why he felt this strongly about Steve, he had this to say:

Steve is that guy who never tidies up after himself, never does the dishes and his room is an absolute state. I guarantee that if we left him alone in the house for a week we’d have no house to come back to.

It may sound like an easy option would have been to simply kick Steve out but this house is always about doing things fair. To do this, they’d need a competition of sorts and immediately they had their very own Apprentice style contest about to start, the loser would be the one who had to leave, so Thomas took his place as Alan Sugar and things began.

The first round was relatively tame, a mere test of knowledge to get our contestants in the mood. It was the quiz round, the house was split into three teams of two, with Thomas taking the role of judge and creator of the quiz. I’d personally rather not have my place in my house hanging in the balance based on whether I knew which film a Harry Potter quote came from but everyone agreed this was a pretty easy round. Unfortunately for them, even Steve’s Harry Potter knowledge was quite up to scratch.

In the next round the remaining four contestants were split into two teams and sent off for the day to get to work on an excellent Crushampton post. The idea here was to be as popular as possible, whether they were talking about how horrible their ex was or making a cracking joke about their trip to see how dead Jesters is right now. The team with the most reactions, even if they were angry, would win and secure themselves a space in the house.

The final round was a tense one, Steve was still in the running against Zoe, and there was no holding back. In typical student fashion this was a drinking contest, there were no games here, it was just a matter of how many jägerbombs the two could down in an hour. This was sure to be an easy win for Zoe, she’d downed many a jägerbomb in her time, but unfortunately Steve swooped in with a whopping eight while Zoe was on the floor at seven.

This means that, despite how saddened the group are, Zoe will be leaving the house on Monday but worst of all they are still stuck with Steve. Perhaps they’ll have better luck when Boris inevitably reduces the number to five.

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