Is Westminster Haunted?


Karl Marx wasn’t too far off when he wrote his famous introduction to his Communist Manifesto. A spectre is haunting Europe – the spectre, not Communism, may be PM Boris Johnson. He may be trying his best to scare the EU into giving into his demands with his Internal Markets Bill, but at its first reading he wasn’t looking too alive.

The Prime Minister has recently appeared to be quite bloated, and him being slumped over while Ed Miliband debated his bill hasn’t given the public much confidence in his health. Whilst many have commended the Shadow Business Secretary on his surprisingly decent performance in the Commons, the chance that he’s killed the Prime Minister with his debating skills is unlikely, given he barely managed to kill a bacon sandwich back in 2014. So a lot of people are asking how long has he been dead? And how has he still managed to appear in Parliament since?

One popular theory is that the Prime Minister never recovered from COVID-19 when he contracted the disease back in April. Thinking it a bit uncomfortable to announce the PM’s death, his spin doctors thought it easier to simply have the now deceased PM preserved and turned into a puppet. Not only would they avoid a national tragedy, but allow Dominic Cummings to continue his role as puppet master, more literally than ever. Boris being a puppet would also explain how he’s been able to keep up appearances in Parliament, with the cameras never looking at the ceiling, Cummings is able to pull the strings. Furthermore, seeing Gollum’s stunt double climbing around the ceiling may also explain why so many senior civil servants have resigned, cause that’s just scary.

However, a small group of conspiracy theorists and other nutters are convinced that the Prime Minister is, in fact, alive and well. They believe that the PM has always looked a bit strange and just happens to resemble a corpse. And whilst his policies have always been brain dead, it’s no excuse to make up nasty rumours about him. They do however concede that he doesn’t look too well, and that he may have contracted COVID-19 again. Although, this possibility is unverifiable given that tests are largely unavailable. That, and people are unwilling to drive the Prime Minister 100 miles to the nearest testing site since he apparently smells as bad as he like he looks.


3rd year International Relations student and a presenter of In Case You Forgot on Surge radio.

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