Unearthed a mere couple of days ago, scientists have been left shaking after discovering the lost manuscript of Nostradamus, the sixteenth-century French astrologer and seer, who rightfully predicted the rise of power of both Napoleon and Hitler.
The manuscript in question, originally written in Latin and translated to English with the title, Thank God I’ll Be Dead When This Happens, has caused widespread worry amongst theorists and scientists alike after it successfully predicted every major event of 2020. From Australian wildfires (which really isn’t hard to predict anymore because global warming means it happens every year now) to the Covid-19 pandemic that ransacked the planet last year, Nostradamus’ predictions continue until October 23rd 2021.
The book in question begins with the hopeful reassurance that ‘society’s money worries will soon be an issue of the past, as house prices, land, and quality of living [we’re worried about that last one] will be reduced to an all-time low.’ The book then curtails a litany of predictions from the start of 2020 and, at the time writing this article, all have so far been correct. Yet, an ominous note prefacing the chapters of predictions during 2021 reads:
This will not be your year, you think 2020 was bad, well damn, you’re in for a real surprise – one could almost call this surprise… apocalyptic (see what I did there? No you don’t because you can’t read the future as I can, but when you do realise what I mean it’ll be the biggest mic-drop moment to ever exist).
The first major prediction of 2021 was Nostradamus’ insistence of ‘how much Britain is going to hate themselves after Brexit finally happens’, although some critics discount this prediction on the basis that Britain had hated itself well before Brexit was even spoken about (they did after all vote Margaret Thatcher into power once). Another prophecy only recently understood read:
A wigged satsuma, ousted from power, shall cause a storming home torn between equality and racism (plus sexism, homophobia, small d**k syndrome, and everything else wrong with Republicans).
It was soon discovered that the ‘wigged satsuma’ possibly alluded to former President of the United States, Donald Trump, and the prophecy as a whole referring to the Capitol building riots, but there is no certainty in this being the definitive interpretation as ‘Republicans’ was spelt as the Latin equivalent of ‘Pleblicans’ (followed by a strong curse word that I’m banned from writing in this article).
What is causing the greatest worries are the prophecies expected in the coming months. February is a relatively calm one, with Nostradamus predicting a month of ‘intermittent snow, usually cloudless days and crisp temperatures ranging from -2 to 10 degrees celsius’. March, on the other hand, will apparently see major volcanic eruptions covering a large proportion of the planet, with Nostradamus’ comment: ‘bet you wished you enjoyed those cloudless days now’. April will apparently see ‘player three join the game: Covid-21’, as well as mass deaths of anti-vaxxers who believe the Government are trying to microchip them (Nostradamus’s only comment on this was ‘if only you knew why they take you to another room when you’re born’). May will see a surprising boom in pregnancies, but Nostradamus warns that ‘there’s no need to save for the baby because everything (including money worries) will soon be taken care of…’, with the ellipses at the end of the statement lasting an ominous two pages. From then on, everything just gets much worse, as the apocalypse gets beautifully realised in descriptive passages of pain, torture, fiery infernos, and a contented generation of Millennials who simultaneously say to the face of the apocalypse ‘urghhh, finally, can we just hurry up and get this over with’.
So in short, for all those who promised to make 2021 their year, Nostradamus offered one last comment:
You have never been more wrong in your life, thankfully you won’t ever have to be wrong again…