Student Shocked to Discover That She Can’t Sleep After Drinking Cold Brew at Stupid o’Clock


A University of Southampton student who never learns from her own mistakes is shocked to discover that she can’t sleep after drinking cold brew at 4.00pm. 

Despite following all best practices for a good night’s sleep — turning off her phone for 30 minutes before bed, taking a relaxing bubble bath, and pretending her course work doesn’t exist — Claire O’Fee was astounded to find that her top tips are no match for the three large cold brews she consumed way too close to bed. 

The fact that she repeated this same pattern yesterday has not occurred to her. After staring at the ceiling for hours and learning nothing from her own poor life choices, Miss O’Fee remains oblivious to the possible cause of her insomnia. ‘I just couldn’t sleep last night,’ she told Wessex Scene, reaching for her third vanilla sweet cream cold brew of the day. ‘I was awake until 3.00am for no reason! I need these cold brews to give me a burst of energy so I can sit around watching my own homemade cat videos for 30 minutes straight.’

Sources close to Miss O’Fee have confirmed that, after trying one overpriced vanilla sweet cream cold brew 24 hours ago, she has consumed way too many of them in the hopes that they can serve as a substitute for a personality.


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