Shaved Movember Moustaches Growing New Humans


Every year for the month of November, millions make their best attempt to grow a moustache to raise money for charity – sadly, many of these moustaches are promptly abandoned and left to their own devices at the end of the month. This year will be slightly different; Hovember (a portmanteau of Homosapien and November) is upon us. 

Last year one particularly affluent moustache decided he’d had enough and set up the Hovember Initiative; those moustaches who are able will compete to grow the best human. Hovember takes place simultaneously to Movember which gives those moustaches who were hastily shaved at the start of the month an opportunity to join in; it’s important that as many moustaches are able to participate as possible to maximise the amount raised to support all those poor moustaches who will be discarded at the end of the month.

Not all moustaches are blessed with the ability to grow a full human – some only achieve a baby, whilst others are patchy with missing limbs. A lot of moustaches are not even able to grow the slightest hint of a human and have found other purposes; many a handlebar moustache has found its way onto a child’s bicycle, whilst some have found work in espionage.

I did what any respectable moustache would do and made a fortune investing in Bitcoin.

Speaking to us through an interpreter, the moustache who started it all, whose name translates to a bunch of incomprehensible rustling noises, tells us ‘moustaches have rights too, and I realised that if anybody was going to recognise that, I had to step up’. Speaking about his own origins he says ‘I was grown by a wealthy gentleman who kept and nurtured me for many years. That man taught me everything I know, and when it was time for us to part ways I did what any respectable moustache would do and made a fortune investing in bitcoin‘. On the origins of the initiative, he explained ‘one early December I was shuffling past a barbers and I couldn’t believe the screams of my own kind coming from within. I had a look around and found a bin full to the brim with my brethren, and I knew I had to do something.’

We’ve been assured that unlike Movember participants, 100% of Hovember participants remain loyal to what they grow as, unlike humans, moustaches universally don’t believe in the reckless abandonment of their offspring. Thanks to the initiative, a large number of abandoned moustaches have gone on to find success either with their newly grown human or in a suitable line of work. It has also sparked widespread criticism of Movember for failing to ensure the continued welfare of the many moustaches it brings into the world every year.

Do you have a moustache that you care for? Have you or a loved one ever abandoned a moustache? Should we be looking to make society more accessible for our hairy companions? Let us know your views!


Editor-in-Chief for 2023/24. Interests include: satire, social sciences, heavy music, and leveraging anything within reach to try and make people laugh.

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