J.K. Rowling Denounces Toast


The world-renowned Harry Potter author, billionaire, and prolific transphobe J.K. Rowling has sparked outrage across the world of baking with her comments about toast during a recent interview.

Let’s call it what it is

It would seem the author has some strong opinions about toast: ‘I don’t like that word, “toast”, let’s call it what it is: bread trying to infiltrate dishes intended for hot food’.

The author continues: ‘Bread is an invention as old as fire, and bakers have always controlled the outcome through the dough. Cookie dough becomes cookies, pizza dough becomes pizza, and bread dough becomes bread. You can’t just change baking, and that’s exactly what these people are trying to do! Only a mentally deranged person would use bread dough to make pizza‘.

The rant continued for some time, becoming increasingly detached from reality. Baking enthusiasts across the globe took to social media to express their bewilderment:

I bet @JKR hates crusts too‘ – @Spongera99 via Discuss

TIL: I’m mentally deranged. Pizza anyone? #BakingMad’ – @FloppyBottom69 via Twollop

@JKR stick to making up potion recipes’ – @SeverusGrape via Twollop

Rowling continued to make outrageous claims including suggesting making toast causes yeast infections and insinuating that only a paedophile would sell pastry products to children; the latter claim sparked widespread protests outside bakeries across the country with many citing the conduct of Colin Gregg as justification for harassing employees of the bakery chain Greggs. So far, nobody has been able to provide any evidence of widespread paedophillia in the baking industry and many of the protestors have widely been branded “conspiracy nuts” by bakers and customers alike.

An AI-Generated image that's supposed to show protestors outside a branch of Greggs; it's nighttime and a group of hooded people are outside 'Geres' as the AI has written instead of Greggs, many of the protestors carry burning torches.
Actual photo of protestors outside Greggs (wasn’t interesting enough/was likely protected by copyright, so we asked Bing’s Image Creator to make us a better one… I suppose “Geres” is close enough.)

Towards the end of the the interview, Rowling claimed that ‘it’s not natural for food to change state after it has been made‘. However, when queried on what she thinks excrement is, the author responded: ‘Oh, that’s never been an issue, the toilet just makes it disappear anyway’, these comments wouldn’t be the first time the author has raised eyebrows concerning the handling of sewage.

Fortunately, before any more bizarre claims were made, the interview was cut short after a toilet break left Rowling trapped in a cubicle; apparently, somebody had graffitied a stickman on the back of the door. The novelist, who believes the presence of the stickman rendered the cubicle door impassable, had to wait several hours for the head of maintenance to arrive to remove the open cubicle door.

Aside from some cosmetic damage, the toilet door seemed to be perfectly functional

Mr Wright-Latche, the aforementioned head of maintenance, told reporters.

Concerningly, Rowling’s comments are reflective of a growing trend of anti-toast voices cropping up across both the UK and areas of the US. Rowling has yet to issue a response to the widespread criticism she has received as a result of this interview.

In other news, British Cycling is the latest British sports organisation to announce that they will be holding a review to see if toast should be added to their list of banned substances.


Editor-in-Chief for 2023/24. Interests include: satire, social sciences, heavy music, and leveraging anything within reach to try and make people laugh.

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