Political “Scientists” have finally proven the existence of Political Integrity. Whilst having been taught to Politics students, and claimed to be used by politicians for centuries, it has until now been thought only to a be myth.
But it may not be as useful as some people hoped.
A group of men without lab coats and goggles who claimed to be “political scientists” from a university most people have never heard of, have today announced the discovery of political integrity. So far, it only exists in a cramped and dusty office, with no confirmed sightings among wild politicians. The political “scientists” explained how it may benefit modern democracies around the world. Political integrity would first lead to politicians being more honest, thus causing an increase in public trust and satisfaction with their elected representatives and ultimately higher voter turnout, political involvement and engagement amongst the public, which are currently at record lows.
The political elite however, are not so convinced by these findings. They believe that introducing integrity into politics will only discourage people from entering into politics, at both local and national levels. By introducing integrity, elected officials will no longer be able to exploit their position to benefit themselves, their family, or their friends, thus removing all incentive to run for office.
Other, real scientists, have questioned the discovery, as well as the validity of calling politics a science. One such scientist from a real university, criticised the discoverer, calling him a “Pseudo-scientist”, and likening him to “those idiots that believe 5G causes COVID-19.” The real scientist later made it too clear as to what science really is:
Science is the study of the world and what it’s made of, known as elements, these are: Water, Earth, Fire, and Air.
The discovery has also come to the attention of the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, who in a press conference announced that his government will ban any further research into political integrity on the grounds of national security. Responding to questions by journalists, the PM defended his position, stating that, “such ideas are fundamentally opposed to the core nature of British parliamentary democracy…” and that it is “keeping in line with our actions following the release of the Russia report, being that we protect the public from the truth, as well as ourselves and our foreign donors from the Kremlin from unjust scrutiny.” In solidarity with his puppet, Dominic Cummings forced several senior civil servants to resign.
This will likely be the last discovery with political “science” that we will see for a while, due to the fact that no one really cares.