Rich White Man with Private Doctor Rules Coronavirus as ‘Not Too Bad’

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The leader of a well-established country has ruled that COVID-19 is not a huge risk on human life as he sits locked away in his mansion with a pay rise.

While the prospect of a second-wave is a looming concern for many people, government officials have branded it ‘unconcerning’ and ‘honestly nothing to worry about’. These same officials are headed by a like-minded man with a stunning white complexion and more money than brains.

Many members of the public have remained hugely frightened for the past few months due to the dangerous and upsetting ways in which their governments have treated the pandemic. While many live below the poverty line in a first-world country, their governments have kept the price of many essentials the same, those essentials being healthcare and housing. People have been cheated out of many months of income, but risking catching coronavirus would mean an unshakeable financial burden.

Meanwhile, it has been noted that the man in charge remains clear-headed over the situation and appears to be looking forward to the possibility of a second-coming. In a recent press release, the rich white man said:

I don’t see what many people are complaining about. We all made it safely through the first wave, except those who didn’t, and it was a great time to work on ourselves as people and for our country. In that time, I was able to pass bills that have benefitted millions – my millions, of course, don’t get the wrong idea. What I mean by that is that COVID-19 has been overestimated by the public and media sources and is not too bad. I’ve had a great time.

However, this has left one immense question: where in the world are we?

Evidence speculates we could be in the UK, as Boris revokes all the premature movements he made to reduce lockdown restrictions. However, we could also be in the US, where Donald’s presidential focus is on delaying the end of his reign, and blaming coital interactions with demons as the reasoning behind the pandemic. Similarly, we could be in the UPside down continent of Australia, with Scott who recently announced he just ‘weally, weally wants a whittle bit more monwey pwease.’

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The ‘boys’

Experts suggest that the general public must invest in their own mansions and private doctors in order to alleviate stress caused by the pandemic. However, it is also warned that additional stress may come in the form of people calling you a ‘bell*nd.’ Time will tell if the sacrifices were worth it.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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