Outraged Lecturer Threatens to Sue Student Newspaper


Wessex Scene faces legal actions from one of the University’s finest academics, in the aftermath of the student-staff charity badminton match on Wednesday.

Demoralised, yet determined, Professor Neil Gregor was reportedly on the verge of tears upon reading this writer’s “one-sided account” of his bruising defeat to Liv Perry earlier this week. Gregor is now on the front foot, unlike Wednesday, in pursuing damages to the reported defamation of character. In an email to the editors of Wessex Scene, leaked to this writer, the ‘lawyers for Neil Gregor’ have detailed their aggravations with the article:

While it may be true that Ms Perry scored far more points than Professor Gregor, and did so really rather too quickly for comfort, we believe that this rests on a wholly technical and excessively narrow definition of victory.

In particular, we are concerned that your story fails to acknowledge Professor Gregor’s balletic poise, poetic grace and all round athletic prowess as he covered the court – effortlessly, stylishly, flamboyantly. In failing to register this your one-sided account traduces Professor Gregor’s universally acknowledged status as a sporting legend.

Sick of chasing the yards at the sports centre, Neil’s team have turned their attention to chasing a legal victory.

It does come as a surprise to this writer that Gregor and his team have had the time to formulate a legal case of this proportion since the afflicted party’s loss on Wednesday. Especially considering the time could have been better spent working on the backhand that was sorely lacking against Ms Perry.

The team representing Gregor, self-proclaimed ‘Dodgy Lawyers R Us’, have also made it clear that whilst legal action is certainly not an empty threat, there are steps that can be taken to ensure this does not happen.

We will be willing to forego the substantial libel damages we believe our client is owed if SUSU is willing to rename the spectators’ area at its main sporting venue ‘The Professor Gregor Stand’.

Clearly, the taste of defeat has not nourished the stomachs of Gregor and his legal representatives. Surprising then, when we consider how hungrily the lecturer consistently placed the shuttlecock in the net, against Ms Perry on Wednesday.

However, the true spirit of the day has not been forgotten; charity:

As a gesture of goodwill, meanwhile, Professor Gregor has donated his enormous appearance fee for the tournament to Stonewall.

It must also be noted that the experienced academic clearly demonstrated a charitable spirit whilst playing Ms Perry, donating large portions of the court to be played into by the young student. Subsequently, the victory was very much gift-aided to Ms Perry.

Wessex Scene’s lawyers are continuing to talk to Professor Gregor’s. It may well require the courts to resolve this issue; Jubilee or judicial.


Final year History student, stuck in the past.

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