New Lockdown Cocktail Menu Features Pure Vodka and Student Tears


A new cocktail bar has opened in my kitchen and is showing off their new and improved menu, curated especially for those engaging with their biannually prescribed national lockdown.

While many businesses have felt under pressure and overwhelmed by restrictions due to the coronavirus pandemic, one brand new business has found the perfect time to open and with a thirsty target market.

The bar, branding themselves as The Kitchen, have developed a perfectly sublime tasting menu for all those who have felt that the stresses of everyday apocalyptic life are a bit too extreme for a sober brain. After using a panel of students, The Kitchen has created their menu of 15 drinks that hit just the right spot for those who really have no choice but to get wasted in their houses.

Their most popular drink consists of smart price vodka with a single teardrop, left neat and served with a bell pepper. This is known as ‘Nonsense’, since not one single sense isn’t directly abused and sacrificed for consumption. Another favourite is the ‘Boris Johnson’ because everyone loves political humour. This drink includes nothing you’ve ever seen before and nothing that you want to see again but is less extreme than anything that the Americans would make. Happy Hour is every hour and will include 2-4-1 cocktails, provided that those who are drinking are already drunk and can’t feel anymore.

For those driving home to the second floor, mocktails are also available, but on a much more limited menu. It includes tap water that is promoted as soda and soya milk that may or may not be lumpy.

Bar snacks are available and change daily, they include, but are not limited to: an open packet of digestives, the jar of gherkins that nobody will admit to buying, and a slightly shrivelled bag of spinach. All are included complementary with any purchase of drinks (excluding mocktails).

Pre-booking is essential as restrictions have to be put in place regarding entry. For any who wish to visit The Kitchen, they will need to call ahead with proof of address or, failing that, £350 for rent.


Wessex Scene Editor 21/22. Living vicariously through other people.

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