Fish Please! Save the Climate! Stop Making Oceans Sad!

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Oceans sure are salty! Is it dissolved excess CO₂ because there is literally too much? Maybe. Is it tears? Are they my tears? The Earth’s? Fishes’? Yes.

Cut the carp about not being bothered about the environment. Climate change has battered the entire planet, including our oceans, that are now empty except for desperate emotions. While the effects of global warming are somewhat more obvious on land – including literal coastline villages sweeping away into the vast blue, country-wide fires, and air pollution that needs an epidemic to clear – the oceans and our fishes are not very happy chappies. I guess you could say they really are quite salty about it.

Despite this, scientists still apparently haven’t given enough evidence to gather universal support for the reversal of climate change. As human processes and advancement have been the sole cause of climate destruction, it is quite clear why our nautical pals are so weepy – clarity that will not be found in a sample pot of the Atlantic. 1/10 fish admit that have thought about building an unsustainable energy plant but failed to get planning permission. Compared to the aquatic development plans, humans are pretty unefishent.

‘But what can humble me do?’ I assume you ask. You can start by befriending an aquatic buddy. The oceans are full of some uncodly specimens that are literally dying to say something to you. It’s mostly nice things. Befriending fish will make them happier. Happy fish tend to cry less than those who are unhappy. Less crying means less salty oceans, meaning that we can form conclusive data on what is making beach puppies such salty sea dogs. If we can stop fish crying, then global governments will have to accept responsibility for altering the density of 332,519,000 cubic miles of water. Another option is to focus less on the salt and more on the wet. Increasing the pure wetness will lower the salt proportions, ergo making oceans less salty in the process. This method skirts around the whole ‘convincing everyone that something reely reel exists’ which is quite a problematic idea to address.

Are you not a friendly face? Do you whale at the sight of aquatic mammals oarfish? If you sing to a land-only tuna, then you can still help by saving the climate. While this article is aimed at those who prefer a dingy to a go-kart, there are some options that are practical for both kinds of people. Firstly, stop buying yoghurt. It has come to our attention that yoghurt pots cannot be recycled, and we’re trying to reduce the amount of binnable plastic that we have. You can still have yoghurt, of course. That is a sacrifice we could never ask our readers to make. You can fashion your own eco-friendly yoghurt pots, while getting the churner out at home. Try keeping your yoghurt in anything other than a pot. A recent survey has found that 7/10 fish are big fans of dairy products, but don’t know the most eco-efficient ways of storing their favourite snacks. It incurs no environmental or personal cost to share knowledge.

Here at Wessex Scene Ocean Council, we have been taken aback by the support of those opposed to the depleting conditions of our seas. Our latest campaign is focusing on giving the oceans back to those whom it belongs, and together we can do that, one saltless tear at a time.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. a funny sausage

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