Man Says Thing Won’t Happen, Exact Thing Happens

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Recent events have led experts to create a new cultural plea, entitled Shut Yer FaceTM, essentially suggesting that you can’t believe anything anyone says. Or did they?

In searching for the answers as to what is going to happen, many have found those same answers in the reverse form, from someone saying that something won’t happen. This is because, by doing so, that person has called upon the celestial beings to give them terribly bad luck. This is due to those beings, striving for confused equality, controlling the aether and making the original statement laughably false.

Informally, ‘bad luck’ can simply mean commiserations. However, there is some controversy over the use of the term. Vocabulary.com defines the phrase as ‘an unpredictable outcome that is unfortunate.’  If the research shown by experts is to be true, then it is not simply a case of bad luck. There is no ‘unpredictable outcome’ because, sometimes, the pain inflicted is pain brought about by oneself.

A claim like this needs substantial evidence to be proven fact. Substantial evidence provided:

Case Number One: The Ian Leslie Conundrum

Many fans of the 2017 BBC Radio 4 comedy show, Before They Were Famous, would remember Ian Leslie – the man, the myth, the presenting legend. He is a journalist, author, and a man of great psychological and literary renown. However, Leslie is perhaps the most suitable case in point for the Shut Yer FaceTM phenomenon. As a writer for New Statesman, Leslie has innumerous articles about the constant inconsistency of politics. However, in 2016 Leslie made a fatal error by publishing an article that in turn caused huge disruption to the planetary alignment. The article, which will remain unnamed out of respect, can be viewed here.

Despite the impressive psychoanalysis of potential referendum voters (that they want ‘the least hassle, the least risk, and the least politics’ ), Leslie should have perhaps followed his own advice, that ‘predicting the more surprising or pessimistic outcome usually makes you seem smarter.’ In doing so, he may have spared himself the request to Shut Yer FaceTM  and could have gotten the result that he ultimately wanted.

Case Number Two: The Mysterious Package

Unlike Leslie’s example, this is one of fortunate circumstance. The author of this article has experienced a true Shut Yer FaceTM – one that was truly the best of luck. While walking back home, the statement, ‘I don’t have any post,’ was spoken. Despite believing this to be the case, the post box was checked. Inside the post box? A parcel. Inside the parcel? Chocolate brownies. Inside the brownies? Eternal joy, hopeless confusion, and the shocking realisation of shutting face.

Case Number Three: My mom, the relatable

My mother, Sally*, was a useful subject for a personal investigation. While uncertain of the nature of the constant experiments and note-taking, definitive cases of Shut Yer FaceTM were found. Firstly, Sally claimed her always late friend, Debbie*, would not be on time. However, Debbie was not late and was very much on time. Secondly, Sally said it would not rain. Lo and behold, it rained. Thirdly, nervous Sally said that she had failed a recent job interview and would not get the job. Little did she know, Sally moved karmic mountains and indeed succeeded in securing the role. Sally, as well as being cosmically marvellous, is thoroughly relatable. It is clear to see how these occurrences could have happened to people in the past, and how they may have not noticed the true weight of what they had said.

In conclusion, there is no more blaming planets or broken mirrors for things happening. Instead, look to yourself. Have you said something that is the exact opposite of what has happened? Or has the presenter of a radio show done it for you? Either way, as the 43rd Speaker of the United States’ House of Representatives, Sam Rayburn, used to say, ‘Don’t ever talk until you know what you’re talking about.’ And even then, don’t.

*Names have been changed for Copyright reasons

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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