The Survivor’s Guide to COVID-19


As the coronavirus scourge continues its unremitting assault on the fair shores of our sceptered isle, millions of Britons have taken to the streets, supermarkets and public toilets to snaffle up what little of our previous resources remain, as the country prepares to enter hibernation.

No doubt you will have seen for yourself the desolate wasteland that used to be the Sainsbury’s toilet paper aisle, gazed upon the barren remains of the Aldi tinned food section and looked with utter hopelessness at the rats stealing the last Tesco Essential’s seeded loaf.

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But fear not! For while the Co-op may now only serve as carrion for vulturous OAPs, and you may only have a meager amount of loo roll and tinned peaches to your name, you’ve got one thing those saps don’t: this guide. With this handy experts-only hoarding list, you’ll have the edge over your former friends and family as you head out once more and collect the key components to surviving the oncoming storm.

1: Construction Materials

‘Eh?’ I hear you ask. ‘Construction materials? Why would I bother wasting what little time I have left getting cement when I could be freely wiping my arse for a precious few extra weeks?’ Well, my friend, the trick to survival is to think in the long term. Take these words to heart: wiping is transitory, steel and concrete are eternal. As we’re all aware, coronavirus is sure to usher on the impending viral apocalypse and spell doom for all of human civilisation – y’know, just like Bird Flu, Swine Flu and Ebola.

The only way to ensure that you’re safe, from not only the elements but from potential carriers, is to construct yourself a self-sustaining, blast-proof and hermetically sealed bunker deep underground. Make sure to fill it with as much food, water and other essentials as possible and to also invite as many healthy individuals as you can. Who knows how long you’ll be down there? A month, a year… centuries? The task of rebuilding and repopulating the Earth will fall to you, so sorry gran, but there’s no room in my vault for you.

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Begin excavations soon – who knows how many minutes it’ll be before COVID hits? Better start digging…

2: Hazmat Suits

Eventually, resources in your underground paradise will start to dwindle – and that’s okay! There’s not enough in the world to sustain you until this all blows over – another reason to get as much as possible while you still can. Eventually, you will have to leave for scavenging missions to gather what precious little you can bring back to safety. For this, you’ll need protective equipment – after all, the air could still be as deadly and dangerous as it is right now. 

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To this end, you should really use nothing but the best protection and your own personal oxygen supply. Congratulations! You’re safe, for now. But what’s that in the distance? Is someone else looting the coveted Asda that you claimed? The nerve!

3: Weapons

It’s inevitable that you’ll run into conflict while out and about on your post-apocalyptic jaunt. After all, there’s not enough for everyone and damn it all to hell if you’re not more important than everyone else. Now, of course, while I can’t legally sanction violence against your fellow man, the truth of the matter is that those still alive in the desecrated hell-scape that used to be Portswood will have no doubt become totally feral, more beast than human, having been long since driven mad by severe shortages of bog roll and the virus infesting them. So really, if anything, it’s a public service, and, of course, now that they’re gone, there’s no one guarding that plentiful off-licence…

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So there you have it! A comprehensive guide to the essential assets needed for surviving the coming Coronavirus Armageddon. Now you know precisely how to weather the coming storm and, while the naysayers will still protest that your measures are a gross overreaction, you’ll be able to sleep comfortably at night knowing that whatever ravages the surface world, you’ll be safe, warm and prepared.


Hard-hitting aspirational comedian who'll always bring the rawest, saddest and funniest "news" possible.

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