Fines for Breaking New Lockdown Rules to be Paid for in the Souls of Children

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The police have issued new guidance to UK residents about what activities could see fines being issued if the new lockdown rules are broken, adding that fines will no longer be taken in pounds sterling, but instead in children’s souls.

Following fears of the spread of the coronavirus, the police had been instructed by the government to issue people with fines if they broke any of the rules. The fines were previously only issued to people during the ‘3-week long lockdown,’ where the first woman to be fined faced a £650 hit for loitering at Newcastle Central station.

However, as uncertainty about the length of time in isolation increases, along with the general fear surrounding the virus, the number of fineable activities has now been increased by a substantial amount.

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The official list can be found below:

Buying baby powder and not being a baby

Supermarkets are under strict instruction to make citizen’s arrests on any person attempting to buy talcum powder, also known as baby powder, if they are over the age of 4. ID will be necessary if consumers wish to purchase this product from now on.

Not eating the end slices of a loaf of bread

In order to combat possible food shortages, the police are viciously cracking down on household wastage and unfortunately for those who are anti-crust, they will be facing bundles of fines.

Leaving any peanut butter or spreads inside the jar

While it is a worldwide fact that some peanut butter just wants to stay in the jar, putting any unfinished container in the bin could lead to some chunky consequences.

Finishing the milk and not telling anyone

Shoppers will be expected to make their lists months in advance, so anyone who is infamous for forgetting to notify others when they have finished the carton of milk is due to be sanctioned.

Having more than one shower a day

Other fearful rumours, such as running out of water, are also now leading to punishable offences. Any second-time showerers will have their towel forcibly removed and any daring to have a bath will have their plug holes dissolved.

Putting on trainers if you’re just staying indoors all day

To combat any people going for a second unsanctioned walk or jog, trainers and other such shoes will be fitted with sensors that result in immediate fines for anyone who wears them for longer than 24.57 minutes. The population will unfortunately have to say goodbye to their days of lounging around in athleisure fashion.

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Information has also been given about how much offenders could be charged. First-time offenders will be charged the souls of up to three children, whilst second-time offenders will be forced to sacrifice at least two limbs of their choosing. Any person who breaks any further rules will have to win the heart of a goose and promise their firstborn to a man who can spin straw into gold, or face life in isolation.

The Minister of State for Crime, Policing and the Fire Service has released a statement which says that this is a ‘necessary use of resources,’ and that ‘ensuring people follow the advice from Downing Street’s Zoom account is the most proactive way to slow down the spread of coronavirus.’

While issuing the new fines will certainly take people by surprise, it is also expected that those in isolation will finally start taking things seriously.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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