Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Accidentally Bump Into Each Other in ALDI

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While the exact meaning behind what the Four Horsemen represent is unclear, local workers in the ALDI on Bevois Valley Road have found themselves ‘sh*tting it’ after the sign that the end of the world has come.

Researchers from The American Journal of Tropical Medicine and Hygiene compared the events in Southampton to the reckoning mentioned in the New Testament, finding conclusive evidence that the four figures, representing Disease, War, Famine, and Death, were all present during the event.

Former ALDI Floor Manager, John Patmos, described the incident in detail:

It was like a scene out of a disaster movie. A man coughed twice and then sneezed into his elbow. Despite the signs across the store, he was still shopping. These two women, each fighting over the last packet of gluten-free flour, edged too close to the gentleman, warring so hard that they forgot about the pandemic.

Along came a father with his five-year-old daughter. From what I could make of their conversation, she was gluten-intolerant, but due to the lack of flour, she would have to go without bread again. The next part was something really out of the ordinary. A fly had gotten into the store. It was flying through the aisle, but the man sneezed again. While dodging it, the small girl had started crying, resulting in her father pushing the trolley away in order to hug her.

The trolley hit into the two warring women, throwing them off balance and making the flour drop out of their hands. Within a blink, the flour had squashed the fly. That’s when I knew the end was coming.

After the events, the store went into supreme lockdown, due to a sudden flash of light and distant neighing. All customers were escorted outside, even Famine, who was apparently still looking for the eggs.

Lifeguard Ian Duncan-Leek was one of the members of the public that found themselves inside the store during the event. In a local radio interview, Duncan-Leek expressed the distaste he experienced, which for once he claims, ‘wasn’t anything to do with the lack of soy milk.’ He said:

I was worried that my weak immune system would be my downfall, but it seems not even anti-acids and protein powder could make me strong enough to live through that again. I don’t get scared because I go to the gym, but if I could be scared then I would have been then. Even though I wasn’t.

There are many interpretations of what this could mean for humanity. Doomsday wishers have already begun re-panic-buying even more tins of pea and ham soup, while others, just like my dumb cousin Simon who refuses to listen to government advice, have taken this as a new excuse to eat sausage rolls in the park.

Currently, it is uncertain what the outcome of the events will be. However, the most favourable option is that this meeting was simply a coincidence, with many world leaders deciding that ‘it doesn’t count’. Only time will tell if this is to be true.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns. Pause Editor 20/21, i.e. funny sausage

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