Picture the scene: A warm Summer’s day on the M4. The motorway, chock-a-block with auto-mobiles, articulated lorries and trucks of all makes and nationalities, zipping up and down the country in such flagrant disobedience of lockdown restrictions that would make Dominic Cummings himself weep with joy. One man, one beautiful man, decides to do away with all social conventions, and to spit in the face of those mollycoddling, communist, nanny-state groups like Greenpeace and the local council waste collection services and do the unthinkable. Little did he know what would happen next.
Greenpeace? More like Greenf**koff.
Mild-mannered Dared Jenkinberry is a 46 year old up-and-coming mid-level sales manager at Joe’s Semi-Exotic Peanut Emporium, located 48 miles north of Junction 26 of the A272, 4.5/5 stars, a little too musty for this journalist’s taste. Normally residing at no. 987 Quentinville Road in Bagshot, his current predicament lands him neatly in one of the country’s finest dilapidated hospitals. In between his states of delirium, screaming nightmares and catheter changings, our reporters were only to get this nugget out of him: ‘I couldn’t see it coming. No one could’ve.’ But what was that fateful event that caused his cursed condition? Could even the country’s top soothsayers and fortune tellers not have predicted it? All these questions and more will be answered – in the next paragraph.
Still trying their best, God bless ’em.
*Editor’s note – the following paragraph has been scrubbed by the West Midland’s Police Service so as to not to hamper their ongoing investigation into the ████████. Godspeed, gentlemen!
Dared Jenkinberry █████ ██ ███ █████ ████ ███████ ████ ██████ ████ ██ ██████ chewing gum █████. ██████ █████ ██ ████████ ███████ ███ ███ █████████████ the car window. Next, ██████ ██████ █████ ██ █ █ █ █ █ █ ██ █████ ███ ██ over 800 miles per hour. ███ ████ ███████ ████ ███ 6 lane pile up ███ ███████ ████ █████ ███ ‘Ahoy there! All clear!’ █████ ██ bleeding profusely from the head. █████ █████ ███ █████ █████████ ████ ████ █████████ ████ ████ ████ including 16 pints of cream. ███ hamster █████ ███ dead at the scene.
Can’t blame it on the cat – it was blunt force trauma that finished this one off.
Well there you have it folks. Truly a tale for a generation. Perhaps your future children will ask where you were when Dared Jenkinberry took his fateful trip down the M4 and will muse upon your retelling of this thrilling yarn – all thanks to this reporter.
Jasper Marshall, signing off.