“We’ve Really Just Been Eyeballing It,” Confess All Doctors


A shocking statement from the General Medical Council has revealed the ugly truth: M.D.s have no idea what they’re doing.

Chair of the General Medical Council (GMC) Dame Clare Marx made a statement from outside her summer estate last Thursday morning finally revealing to what we’ve all suspected for years – doctors have absolutely no clue what they’re playing at.

“I felt now was the time to come clean,” admitted Dame Marx to a crowd of gobsmacked journalists. “Those fifteen years we spend earning our Doctorate in Medicine are mostly spent pissing about. We used to have fun little competitions like ‘Who can squirt blood the furthest’ or ‘How far can a spine bend, I mean REALLY.’”

Marx went on to at long last explain the age old mystery of why medical practitioners have notoriously poor handwriting – “All those years of alcohol and substance abuse from all those drugs they let us take have left most of us with a permanent case of Delirium Tremens.”

“Some days I can barely tell a nose from a colon!” she jokingly added.

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In the future, will poo come out of this?

Shocking stuff. “But what about all the so-called ‘successful treatments’ that happen year after year?” pipes up one reporter. “My sister had her entire head reattached this week after the police broke up a peaceful protest.”

“Well it’s a lot like throwing sh*t at a wall,” countered the Dame to the crowd of perplexed press. She further explained: “If you throw enough, it sticks, right? Well, it’s the same basic principle with medicine; just chuck enough drugs at the problem, and it’ll probably sort itself out.”

Unfortunately no more discernible insights could be gained from the conference, as the Chairwoman was brought low by an acute case of Barrel Fever, also known as ‘The Bottleache,’ ‘The 750 Itch’ or ‘The Brooklyn Boys,’ something we now know to be a staple amongst physicians. But does it really matter if a surgeon knows anatomy or not? At the end of the day as long as they’re having fun, that’s all that matters.


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