Finding The Perfect Sausage: A Guide


Nothing is worse than cracking open a packet of cold ones and finding that you’ve only got dud sausages. Be it meaty or soy, a sausage is a simple thing and finding the perfect one takes time and patience. Or, it can simply take no time whatsoever, so long as you read this handy helpful guide.

Look for curves

It is a known saying that everybody loves curves, and the same can be said for sausages. They love being curvy and when they know that they look their best, they will emit their tastiest flavour. Psychology experts have tested the brainwaves of numerous sausages and found those that were happiest were the tastiest, and the curvy ones were indeed the happiest.

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Shy away from pepper

We all love a bit of seasoning, but did you know that sausages are not a fan of the Nation’s Peppercorns? Noted for being ‘too sneezeworthy,’ black peppercorns in particular are not ever found in a tasty sausage. Sausages don’t want to be sneezy, nor do they want to be spicy. Avoid pepper. Don’t get them. If you want to ruin a perfectly good sausage, do it on your own time, sonny.

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Thick is sick

As my father would ask, ‘sick as in sick or sick?’ The answer is indeed, sick as in sick. The thickness of a sausage definitely changes the taste, whereas the thin ones taste a lot different. Stay back from the sausages of a certain thickness as they won’t taste at the prime of sausagehood, nor will they have any chance of being crowned the perfect sausage.

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Think carefully about condiments

Some sausages really are perfect as their authentic self. Crowding your mouth hole with excessive and unnecessary flavours will really dampen the experience, and take you from perfect to nurfect in no time at all. Unless you’re eating bread, no mustard. If you’ve stewed them into a casserole, you’re an idiot. Like a delicate rose, you’re not going to overwhelm it with the smell of decaying batteries, are you? Think carefully. Just eat the sausage. Lovely, perfect sausage.

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But maybe that is the thing. A lovely sausage is a perfect sausage. There’s no such thing as ‘the one.’ Greatness can be found across multiple sources and maybe even the ones that are a bit naff end up being a bit okay. Every day has a chance for perfection and any day where you get a delicious finger-shaped snack is one teetering on the edge of superior. So, go forth, spread the word, and by God stop using mayonnaise.


Wessex Scene Editor 21/22. Living vicariously through other people.

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