Southampton Water Found to Be “Well ‘Ard”


Environmental researchers have found that Southampton is an absolute bossman in terms of additional compounds in its water.

There are rah compounds within the water that are contributing to the build up of limescale throughout residential properties and are leaving those new to the area a bit confused.

One student, who has come from the pure valley springs of Wales, has shared their reaction to the unexpected culture shock over social media. In a recent Instagram caption, they said:

Thought moving to Soton would be a right laugh but even the tap wants to have a fight 🙄 hasn’t been the warmest welcome but have only got three years of this! Anyway, rip nan x

Residents of one Southampton borough have even reported that there have been a number of instances where their taps have started calling them ‘fam’ while wearing inappropriate headgear and refusing their fixtures to be tightened because ‘it looks cool.’

Local MPs have been struggling to come up with a solution to the problem. One local councillor, known by his constituents as Mr B.M.C, has commented how this problem has increased by a large amount within recent years. In a recent press release, Mr B.M.C. said:

The additional particulates in our water has been at a constant level for many centuries, and never caused as much of a problem until only a few years ago. It appears as a slight coincidence, and I mean no offence by this, but the population of the area has also changed at the same time, with more ‘piff man tings’ taking up a higher number on the electoral register.

Scientists are a bit unsure whether the ardness of the water has anything to do with residents of the area or if it is simply down to a faster break-up of natural minerals. While pretty much anything bad is due to climate change, it has not been conclusively found that global emissions can be counted as a cause for the change in water. It has been found, however, that there has been an unexpected increase in water pressure, as one group of residents found that they were more likely to drink alcohol after turning on the tap, saying the expelled water kept calling them ‘a p***y.’


Wessex Scene Editor 21/22. Living vicariously through other people.

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