A Paper to Outline the Research on the Disjunctive Phenomena on Why There are No Lampshades in the Kitchen


Look in your kitchen right now. Look high and low. Remember what you see. Now go into a different room – any room at all. Look again high, look again low. There is something obviously different. So different, in fact, that it puts a lid of difference on the jam jar of your everyday life. In this essay, I will display research into the staggering phenomena of why there are no lampshades in the kitchen, and how this has consequently led to the downfall of the British economy.

Lampshades were developed in late 17th century Paris, in order to cast the streetlamp light downward onto the street into delicate pools rather than lighting up the night sky instead. Throughout the adaption of different lighting techniques, the role of the lampshade had to change to reflect thus. When lights would be lit by burning gas, the lampshades’ job of directing light had to be changed to reducing the gas’ escape, as the high intensity burning would cause headaches in some and ruin the furniture. When lights changed to bulbs, this was a totally different story. Lights would no longer need to be reflected in certain directions, nor would toxic gases need to be contained. Lampshades would exist for the sole purpose of decoration and, indeed, stopping eyes from feeling fuzzy if you stared at it too long.

Lampshades were quickly moved into a modern home along with the lightbulb, ensuring each room is lit and contains the same chic look. However, kitchen’s remained lampshade-less. And why? Well the answer remains right in front of you.

The kitchen just ain’t pretty.

That is a quote there from an interview at home with Rupert Murdoch. As a man of great taste and a love of controversy, it is clear that the kitchen is secretly known as the duckling amongst the swans. While decorative tiles and Don’t Trust a Skinny Cook plaques have been strewn in homes with the attempt of making the kitchen feel better, it simply cannot eradicate the fact that it is ugly. Delicious snacks are made there, that much is true, but is it not also the case that delicious foetal morsels are catered in the womb, yet upon looking at one, one would simply upchuck? Yes, kitchens are wombs and, just as they rightly have for all time, are undeserving of a lampshade.

Yet, there is more to this tale. How does the lack of lampshades in the kitchen relate in any way to the failing British economy? How is it possible for the absence of lightbulb coverings in every home to be an obvious indicator that the nation’s money has, and always will be, on its way down the toilet? Simply put, it’s all in the fables.

See how it was previously mentioned that the kitchen is essentially The Ugliest Duckling ever to have lived? Well, the story itself has foreshadowed what is to come. For those who cannot recall the tale of the gross little bird, it will be recalled. The ugly duckling cries because it is ugly. His siblings are all beautiful, but he is grey and scraggly and nobody wants to play with him. Eventually, his mother and siblings leave him alone and he becomes fevered with resentment and distrust. He then corrupts the local food chain by placing dams along the river in order to keep all the food for himself. He is met by a group of swans who say that he is not simply an ugly duck, but that he is actually a swan! This makes the ugly duckling so happy that he shares his small pool of disturbed fish with his new brethren, leaving all the other animals to reduce to a pile of pin-sized bones. Unfortunately, a great storm comes and overfills the ugly duckling’s pool, leaving his dams and personal reservoirs bursting at the seams. He cannot contain his goods as everything spills out, with nothing left for him, his elite friends, or the many remaining local animals who are very upset with his greed. They then kick him.

What can be taken from this story is hard to detect at first. While the kitchen being ugly and not receiving a lampshade won’t be able to give it arms and begin hoarding, the lack of sales for specific lampshades has caused a small and constant bump in the sales market. If this was to be filled with something significant, then the country’s financial ruin would never be on the table. This, however, is not the case, since kitchens exist as the only sole victim of an insane phenomena.


Wessex Scene Editor 21/22. Living vicariously through other people.

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