Foreword: Welcome, welcome, our Christmas pals. Sing our festive songs you shall’s. We have constructed some tunes for you’s. To help you through the darktime blues. So come and sit around the fire. Be jolly and merry, like we aspire.
Welcome to my Portswood house
I’d like to thank you for the smell
For my landlord you get this Christmas card
For signing me up for a year in Hell.
I’d like to complain about all the things
My eyes and mind have seen.
So hop into my camera roll,
Oh, and Step into Portswood with me.
Step into Portswood,
Let’s hug together
We can feel the cold here forever and ever
Cry, drink, and get crazy
How bad can it be?
Step into Portswood
More rat friends for me.
Oh little town of Southampton, how still we see thee lie
Between the Solent and Uni of, the poor poor* students cry
Yet in Jesters shineth, the crazy disco lights
The girls and boys with drunken ploys are met in thee tonight.
Last semester, I gave you my card
But the very next day, I lost it anyway
This term, to keep my bank firm
I’m staying away from Sobar.
One blue drink and twice vods
It’s some bargain booze
Can you believe the odds?
Tell me, bar-boy
Do you recognise me?
I did fall down the stairs
But that doesn’t surprise me.
(Happy Tuesday!) I snapped it and sent it
To my ex saying, “I love you.” Well that’s sh*t
Now, I know what a fool I’ve been
But if I pay two pounds
I know I’d get drunk again
**The cauldron’s on
The wand is here!
Let’s burn the herbs
It’s that time of year.
Simply mixing some wonderful stuff inside
Simply making a sacrifice to our shrine.
Good Mark E. Smith last looked out,
On the Highfield Campus.
Students went to the lib’ry
With busted hippocampus.
They could not remember why
They even went to uni,
When Mark Smith then waved them by
He thought how poor they soon would be.
Lecturers strikin’ all around me,
Students cryin’, payin’ 9 grand,
It’s the semester of Humanities being forgotten,
Students drinking, sorrows away.
Time for Covid and students back home,
Uni’s panicking, term 2 don’t count.
Time for lockdown and a no detriment,
Time for online learning.
We’re gonna dream of Jesters tonight,
One day I’ll get to sing at Stag’s karaoke, drinking Red Sheerans all night.
What a year 2020 has been,
Friends and family, keep them near.
All I wish that face to face lectures were a thing,
Goodbye 2020, hello vaccine.
*It was believed that ‘poor’ as in unfortunate and ‘poor’ as in debt-ridden were spelt differently, so that it had two meanings rather than just repetition. I’ll leave you to ponder if this is just lazy writing.
** Writer’s note: As it approaches Christmas, every year I am reminded of this genius revelation by Ryan George on Twitter, about Paul McCartney’s song ‘Wonderful Christmastime’. He exposed the true meaning behind the song; what McCartney captures is not a heartfelt and cheery celebration, but an interruption of a group of friends who are practicing witchcraft… See tweet below: