Suspect Identified in ‘Billion Person Superspreader’ Case


Police have identified a new suspect in last night’s superspreader event that touched all corners of the earth, possibly quintupling the number of active COVID cases.

The horror that swept the world yesterday affected us all. While at first we were delighted and charmed at the apparent magic – a mystery benefactor had brightened our day by bringing us gifts of all shapes and sizes! – the terrible reality quickly set in, and brought with it a hideous realisation. Not only had all our homes been broken in to, but the perpetrator had violated not only national but international quarantine regulations and travel bans, in a crime described by leading scientists as ‘The World’s First Billion Person Superspreader Case’.

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We took the quarantine regulations as they came, but what was the point?

Reports flooding in from around the world confirm the shocking truth: every single household, naughty or nice, COVID or clean, has been visited by this sick, twisted psychopath in what could only have been an attempt to infect all of humanity and throw away almost a year of counter-pandemic efforts. The sociopath’s efforts can be seen in the sheer number of stops and distance necessary to have been travelled on his grim advance. In order to have blighted every abode on Earth, the perpetrator would have had to have been in excess of 5 million miles per hour, or 1% of the speed of light.

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Sorry kids, no winter fun for you.

And yet, it seems impossible. How on earth could one man have done this? Probability ensures that at least one light sleeper or nightmare-plagued child would’ve encountered this criminal. And yet, the most chilling discovery reveals that not only was this entirely possible, but also totally premeditated. After an anonymous tip-off by a local Scandinavian inhabiting the region of Sápmi (historically known as Lapland), an Interpol raid was conducted on what appeared to be a cottage with an adjoining workshop. Inside was discovered a vast database sorting every single person on earth into two categories, “Naughty” or “Nice”, along with extensive records of sleeping habits and active hours, meaning that the serial spreader knew exactly when the victims were asleep or awake.

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Insomnia wouldn’t have helped you escape this twisted mockery of the season.

In what appears to be a bizarre twist, those found to have been on the “Naughty” list seem to have received a sack of coal instead of traditional gifts under their trees, contributing to an immediate price collapse of the global coal market.


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